People said there's nothing to do in Iowa. They said it and we believed them. What idiots they all were.
We stumbled across the Grotto of the Redemption in West Bend, Iowa. Some time in the early 1900's, Father Paul Dobberstein promised Jesus that if he survived pneumonia, he'd built a shrine made completely out of rocks, minerals and crystals. Spoiler alert: he survived (if you want to avoid spoilers, don't go on the internet, man).
He spent 42 years building the shrine and today it is the largest collection of precious stones found in one location. In fact, it is estimated to value $4 million dollars. To put that in perspective, that's more than Celebrity Apprentice's Omarosa and 30 Rock's Judah Friedlander have combined.
(Editor's Note: though 4 million dollars is quite a large sum, it's only a 10th of Frankie Muniz's net worth. I guess it should really be called "Malcolm In The 1 Percent," huh? What's happening to America's middle class, guys?! Open your eyes, America. Real Eyes Realize Real Lies).
With walls made out of agate, amethyst, azurite and more, we found nearly all 60 of our colors here.
They said there would be nothing to do in Iowa.
... What rocks were they smoking?
Fuck Mt. Rushmore. The place to go for all the hotties with actual bodies (forget stone floating heads) is the Presidential Wax Museum in Keystone, SD. That's where we went to go pick up some dudes to see about getting some presidential D.
Tessa wasn't overly excited (or as overly excited as we were) and we could hear faint complaints about white, sexist imperialist history coming from her as we ran into the shop. We were all "History? What is his-story? Is he single? Did he ask about me?" (Insert your Millard Fill-More-Condoms joke here).
It should be noted that Ceil, as we are writing this, thought Millard Fillmore's first name was Grover and she said "I don't know any of their names. I was too busy sucking dick in the locker room in high school." It should also be noted we went to an all-girls Catholic high school.
So while Tessa was grumbling in the gift shop, we cruised the strip to check out all of the executive hotties that the White House (1600 PEENsylvania, Washington DC) had to offer.
Boxer or brief, commander in chief? The people need to know!
Wanna cuddle, Teddy Bear?
Sun's out, guns out.
And, honestly, look at our competition. We got this in the bag:
Jackie looks like Josh Brolin had a baby with Josh Brolin.
Eh.. honestly, these guys were too stiff (but not in the good way), so we got bored and eventually it turned into this:
In conclusion, we should inform you that Tessa was, in fact, the only person to get a real human's phone number.
His name was Joey and, while we don't know what his favorite color is, we do know his favorite president is Warren G. Harding because he was a "mac-daddy." Here is photo proof:
Tess did it the old-fashioned "flirting" way. But, you know what we think? Well-behaved women rarely get to make out with history.