PANTOMERICA

Seeking Color In The US

Color 51

Blackwater Falls

Color 26, Color 54, Color 51Maggie Owens1 Comment

What we learned at Blackwater Falls in West Virginia: 

1) "Moss can be a lot brighter of a green than you'd expect!"

2) ^^^ that's a really dorky thing to be shouting to your friends right before you trip on the moss and fall ass-first into the water. 

3) Rachel has to try a lot less hard to look indie than Maggie and Ceil do. 

Ceil giving it her all. 

Maggie trying really, really hard. What is this? A senior portrait? 

Rachel giving minimal effort, achieving maximum indieness.

She even looks indie when almost falling into the water.

But, for the record, it wasn't Rachel who 100% fell into the water. 

... It was Maggie. You all already know it was Maggie so what's the point. 

Tripping On IOWAska

Color 53, Color 52, Color 51, Color 36, Color 37, Color 34, Color 44, Color 43Maggie OwensComment

People said there's nothing to do in Iowa. They said it and we believed them. What idiots they all were. 

We stumbled across the Grotto of the Redemption in West Bend, Iowa. Some time in the early 1900's, Father Paul Dobberstein promised Jesus that if he survived pneumonia, he'd built a shrine made completely out of rocks, minerals and crystals. Spoiler alert: he survived (if you want to avoid spoilers, don't go on the internet, man).

He spent 42 years building the shrine and today it is the largest collection of precious stones found in one location. In fact, it is estimated to value $4 million dollars. To put that in perspective, that's more than Celebrity Apprentice's Omarosa and 30 Rock's Judah Friedlander have combined.

(Editor's Note: though 4 million dollars is quite a large sum, it's only a 10th of Frankie Muniz's net worth. I guess it should really be called "Malcolm In The 1 Percent," huh? What's happening to America's middle class, guys?! Open your eyes, America. Real Eyes Realize Real Lies).

With walls made out of agate, amethyst, azurite and more, we found nearly all 60 of our colors here. 

They said there would be nothing to do in Iowa. 

... What rocks were they smoking?

Pickin' Up Dudes At The Presidential Wax Museum

Color 2, Color 52, Color 51Maggie Owens1 Comment

Fuck Mt. Rushmore. The place to go for all the hotties with actual bodies (forget stone floating heads) is the Presidential Wax Museum in Keystone, SD. That's where we went to go pick up some dudes to see about getting some presidential D. 

Tessa wasn't overly excited (or as overly excited as we were) and we could hear faint complaints about white, sexist imperialist history coming from her as we ran into the shop. We were all "History? What is his-story? Is he single? Did he ask about me?" (Insert your Millard Fill-More-Condoms joke here). 

It should be noted that Ceil, as we are writing this, thought Millard Fillmore's first name was Grover and she said "I don't know any of their names. I was too busy sucking dick in the locker room in high school." It should also be noted we went to an all-girls Catholic high school.

So while Tessa was grumbling in the gift shop, we cruised the strip to check out all of the executive hotties that the White House (1600 PEENsylvania, Washington DC) had to offer. 

Boxer or brief, commander in chief? The people need to know!

Wanna cuddle, Teddy Bear?

Sun's out, guns out. 

And, honestly, look at our competition. We got this in the bag:

Jackie looks like Josh Brolin had a baby with Josh Brolin. 

 Dear future employers,   Maggie did not engage in this kind of activity. Especially not with Jimmy Carter.

Dear future employers, 

Maggie did not engage in this kind of activity. Especially not with Jimmy Carter.

Eh.. honestly, these guys were too stiff (but not in the good way), so we got bored and eventually it turned into this:

In conclusion, we should inform you that Tessa was, in fact, the only person to get a real human's phone number.

His name was Joey and, while we don't know what his favorite color is, we do know his favorite president is Warren G. Harding because he was a "mac-daddy." Here is photo proof:

Tess did it the old-fashioned "flirting" way. But, you know what we think? Well-behaved women rarely get to make out with history. 

Tinkertown, New Mexico

Color 51, Color 30, Color 25, Color 24Maggie OwensComment

If you ever find yourself driving down New Mexico State Road 14, there are two things you need to know: 

1. The locals call it the turquoise trail so seriously, guys, be cool. Don’t be all uncool. (Ceil wants to say “if you’re too green to know it’s Turquoise, you’ll make me blue.” Get it? Color blog?)

2. You absolutely HAVE to stop at the Tinkertown Museum.

The Tinkertown Museum is a collection of the 40 years worth of wood carvings, circus relics and kitschy coin machines made by artist Ross Ward. Oh, and, guys, it was featured on MTV.

Remember on MTV Cribs when a celeb like Busta Rhymes or Xzibit would show us their king-size bed and say something like “here’s where the magic happens?” Well, Tinkertown is where the real magic happens. It proves once and for all that Xzibit didn’t know what the BLEEP he was talking about (Parental Advisory: Explicit Content all up in this mutha-bleepin’ blog!).

Anyway, more about the Tinkertown Xzibit…

Inside the Tinkertown museum, you can feed quarter-machines that will then play music, predict your future or set off some vibrant Appalachian scene.

 Maybe if you feed these guys an extra quarter, they’ll take requests and play “X Gonna Give It To Ya.” We know that’s DMX and not Xzibit but honestly it’s a really good song.

Maybe if you feed these guys an extra quarter, they’ll take requests and play “X Gonna Give It To Ya.” We know that’s DMX and not Xzibit but honestly it’s a really good song.

There’s something to look at in every bleeping corner of the Tinkertown Museum. The walls are made from salvaged glass bottles (looks like Ross Ward knew how to party. Where’s his MTV Cribs episode?).

Plus, one of the most charming parts of Tinkertown is all of the signs. Their tone matches the kitschy atmosphere of the whole exhibit (Xzibit) but also adds a moody flair that most teenagers would kill to have.

PS: Did you guys know that there was an entire MTV series called “MTV’s Teen Cribs?” Couldn’t you totally see an emo kid screaming that quote about the undertaker to his mom and telling her to “stay the hell out” of his room because that’s where the magic happens? Even though the magic could never happen there unless he’s talking specifically about Magic: The Gathering? 

 Spotted: this horse at the Tinkertown Museum. So tired, you could never pimp this ride.

Spotted: this horse at the Tinkertown Museum. So tired, you could never pimp this ride.