PANTOMERICA

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Color 36

Gossip from New Vrindaban

Color 1, Color 20, Color 60, Color 36, Color 21Maggie OwensComment

Tucked away in the hills of West Virginia, we found New Vrindaban — a spiritual site for the Hare Krishna community. Nearly reaching Willy-Wonkian proportions, the grounds included a man-made body of water, gargantuan statues, an award-winning rose garden and a golden palace that would make even Kanye West blush. It was stunning (and honestly unexpected for something neighboring a town called Moundsville). 

Perhaps the most surprising discovery we found at New Vrindaban came at Prasadam, or the lunch-time food offering. We shared picnic tables with guests and New Vrindaban residents alike and, over a free, vegetarian meal, heard something we truly hadn't expected: gossip.

As three recipients of an all-girls education, we know gossip when we hear it. And the women we shared the picnic table with, who all lived and worked on the New Vrindaban grounds, were most definitely gossiping. They gabbed over sweet potatoes (maybe?) and pea shoots (honestly, the vegetables were mushed to oblivion, but still delicious) about the who's who of New Vrindaban.

We felt restored and in the know. But, much like mushed vegetables, we felt immediately hungry again — hungry for more gossip. Here's what we came up with — our Burn Book (Hare Krishna Edition). 

Rumor has it that the blonde streak in Rachel's hair isn't natural. *Cough Cough* Dye Job *Cough Cough.*

Cool floral crown, Swan. Let me guess — you got the inspiration at Coachella while taking pictures of yourself? Do you even listen to Edward Sharpe — like really listen, I mean? I challenge you to step outside your comfort zone and show some real creativity. Why not turn the tables and wear a dress shaped like Bjork? Do something original!

These two claim to be a dynamic duo, but look at the way they're competing for attention —waving their hands in the air like it's the early 90's. BFFL doesn't stand for Bathing in your Friend's Fucking Limelight. Okay, ladies? 

"I'm the real star!"

"I'm the real star!"

"No, I'm the real star!"

"No, I'm the real star!"

"On Wednesdays, we hold torches!"

"On Wednesdays, we hold torches!"

Actually, these girls were pretty legit. 

Seen and Heard At AnthroCon Day 2

Color 58, Color 37, Color 36, Color 31, Color 3, Color 54Maggie Owens1 Comment

After our first day at AnthroCon, driving back to our motel on the outskirts of Pittsburgh, we stopped off at a Dunkin Donuts to each try our 1st, 2nd, and 3rd Cronuts ever.  

We decided to take a real hard look at ourselves in that Dunkin’ parking lot.  It was dark.  We were tired and confused.  There was a family size box of donuts between us, empty.  It was then that we really accepted our fate as Josie Grossies.  

This realization was liberating.  There is a freedom that comes with accepting that you are the biggest loser at a Pittsburgh furry convention.  But, hey, we knew that on Anthrocon day 2, we would walk into the festivities, dorks that we are, and learn as much as possible about the craziness all around us.  Theres nothing more loser-y than learning new things!  (Maybe besides binge-eating Cronuts in the dark).

"Welcome back to AnthroCon day 2, I've been waiting here since last night. I never left. I haven't slept.  I'm so excited."  

"Welcome back to AnthroCon day 2, I've been waiting here since last night. I never left. I haven't slept.  I'm so excited."  

Lesson 1: What is a "Yiff"?

A lot of people assume that every Furry does sex stuff in his or her furry outfit.  This, however, is not true.  We learned that a majority of Furries enjoy dress up platonic fun.  "Yiff" is a special term designated to those who bring it into the bedroom (that's where they do the sex).  

This is a man singing karaoke while wearing dog ears and a shirt that proudly reads "Yiffsburgh".  For the record, he is singing Four Non Blondes' "What's Up".  

This is a man singing karaoke while wearing dog ears and a shirt that proudly reads "Yiffsburgh".  For the record, he is singing Four Non Blondes' "What's Up".  

Lesson 2: It's not just about Furries.  

If you think Furrydom is all about cute cuddly animals then you're wrong.  Dead wrong.  Road kill wrong.  It's time for you to meet the Scalies.  Instead of dressing up like animals that are furry, they dress up like amphibians and reptiles that are scaly.  Do you see what a huge mistake you made?? Do you feel like an idiot?  Calm down. there's so much more to learn.  

Q. Is this a Scalie?  

A. No, this is a Furry.  Are you an idiot? 

Q. Is this a Scalie? 

A: Yes, this is an excellent example of a Scalie.

Lesson 3: You're Gonna Need A Tag. 

Everyone at Anthrocon has at least one these hand drawn tags dangling around.  They represent your personal characters.  Often times Furries get their talented friends to drawn tags for them.  We could have had some tags for AnthroCon if we had any friends or talent or friends with talent (JK LOVE YOU KEEP READING OUR BLOG).  

Amelia here had some of the coolest tags we saw. She was dressed up for the day in a Cosplay for her fan character "Flufferpuff."  Her favorite color is teal. 

 

Lesson 4: "You can't always match the pony to the Brony"*

It can be hard to pick just one.  

*Overheard at the "My Little Pony: Frienship is Magic" meet up

 

Lesson 5: Something about Wyrms

These are Wyrms.  What are Wyrms?  I have no fucking clue.  I failed Wyrms class. 

We met a group of teenage girls that were huddled around a group of the most colorful little fuzzy things we’d ever seen.  We thought to ourselves, “hey, we are definitely in the same age range as these girls, and we have a blog about color.  It looks like we’ve found our AnthroCon niche after all.”   But it was so much deeper than color, guys. 

The girls really tried to invite us into their world.  They were so gracious.  The spent far too much of their time trying to explain to us what the fuck a wyrm is.  We still only know that they are fuzzy and colorful and not worms.  

Don't hang out with the burnouts under the table.  That's how you get an F in wyrms class. 

Don't hang out with the burnouts under the table.  That's how you get an F in wyrms class. 

In Conclusion...

Be cool. Stay in school.

Hallowell, Maine

Color 36, Color 56, Color 11Maggie OwensComment
Now that's Maine. 

Now that's Maine. 

Merry Christmas from Hallowell, Maine in July.

Merry Christmas from Hallowell, Maine in July.

Hangover. (Please refer to our last post: http://www.pantomerica.com/blog/2016/1/3/red-white-blue-and-blackout)

Hangover. (Please refer to our last post: http://www.pantomerica.com/blog/2016/1/3/red-white-blue-and-blackout)

Suicide Joke. Too lazy to make it. Do it yourself. Look how much work we've done on this blog. Get off your couch. 

Suicide Joke. Too lazy to make it. Do it yourself. Look how much work we've done on this blog. Get off your couch. 

Tripping On IOWAska

Color 53, Color 52, Color 51, Color 36, Color 37, Color 34, Color 44, Color 43Maggie OwensComment

People said there's nothing to do in Iowa. They said it and we believed them. What idiots they all were. 

We stumbled across the Grotto of the Redemption in West Bend, Iowa. Some time in the early 1900's, Father Paul Dobberstein promised Jesus that if he survived pneumonia, he'd built a shrine made completely out of rocks, minerals and crystals. Spoiler alert: he survived (if you want to avoid spoilers, don't go on the internet, man).

He spent 42 years building the shrine and today it is the largest collection of precious stones found in one location. In fact, it is estimated to value $4 million dollars. To put that in perspective, that's more than Celebrity Apprentice's Omarosa and 30 Rock's Judah Friedlander have combined.

(Editor's Note: though 4 million dollars is quite a large sum, it's only a 10th of Frankie Muniz's net worth. I guess it should really be called "Malcolm In The 1 Percent," huh? What's happening to America's middle class, guys?! Open your eyes, America. Real Eyes Realize Real Lies).

With walls made out of agate, amethyst, azurite and more, we found nearly all 60 of our colors here. 

They said there would be nothing to do in Iowa. 

... What rocks were they smoking?

Wild Wild West, Jim West, desperado, rough rider

Color 7, Color 36Maggie OwensComment

Our first night in Wyoming was spent at Terry Bison Ranch, a 27,500 acre property with its very own herd of bison. 

hippiebus.jpg

Here we found a 7 foot statue of a jackalope, a mock jail and a saloon where people smoke in-doors over a full plate of food. Goodbye Southwest — we’re in the Wild West now. 

gun store.jpg
tess jail.jpg
Ceil, Maggie, Tess

Ceil, Maggie, Tess

How to "dress" for "success" in the "Wild, Wild West"

How to "dress" for "success" in the "Wild, Wild West"

The official credo here is “At the Terry Bison Ranch, Guests, Employees and Animals are #1. This begs the question, who ranks at #2?

At TBR, you can take a 2 hour train tour, a self-guided ATV tour or even a horseback-riding tour to explore the grounds and come face-to-face with a real American bison. Or, if you’re self-obsessed and poor, you can just walk around taking pictures of yourselves like we did. 

If you get a hankering for breakfast food / eat breakfast at noon when you’re all to hungry and irritable to even speak to each other, you can do what we did and eat rocky mountain oysters in the saloon. Nothing like putting out a cigarette and finishing your bull testicles. 

By the way, if you didn't realize the title of this blog post is a lyric from Will Smith's "Wild, Wild West,"No you don't want nada, None of this, gun in this, brother running this." 

The Real Madrid

Color 42, Color 36, Color 3Maggie OwensComment

Did you know that in Santa Fe you’re only legally allowed to build adobe-brown homes? Even if they’re not made out of adobe, they’re brown? Straight up, you could construct a home out of fucking lapus lazuli and you’d have to paint it brown? (Suggestion: don’t build a home out of lapus lazuli in Santa Fe). Well, we found a town just 40 minutes south of Santa Fe that acts almost like a color sanctuary.

It’s called Madrid, NM. (Helpful tip: it’s not pronounced like that stuffy-ass town in Spain. Save your lisp for another day, readers. it’s actually pronounced Mad-drid. it almost rhymes with Hagrid. New Mexican Harry/ Haroldo Potter poem coming soon).

There are just no rules in Madrid. The vibrant colors are absolutely free to express themselves. It’s almost like that younger sibling who had less parental guidance and thus became a total wild child / shitshow. You know — that sibling who had to go on a six-month road trip just to get a little attention? Maybe we’re projecting here. Shout-out to our older siblings who have “real jobs” and “our parent’s approval!” Love you guys!

It’s not just the color that’s free in Madrid. It’s an unincorporated town. This means that with a lack of local government and local taxes comes nearly total freedom. Madrid is sooooo the younger sister who, in an attempt to reconcile never being able to find home videos of herself, became louder and brighter to the point where someone had to sit her down and be like “Ceil, you’re causing a scene” or “no, Maggie, you can’t sublet my apartment when you get back from your road trip. You’re too messy and you’ll get me evicted.” This is all hypothetical, of course. 

What is it about a lack of structure or rules that makes people want to use outrageous amounts of color?  Why are black and white and taupe and shit brown “serious” colors?  Why don’t people take me seriously when I wear tie-dye leggings? 

Tessa was so smitten with the town that we talked to a local man about what it would take to relocate to MADrid.  Basically his answer was no (umm… we didn’t even ask a yes-or-no question).  This perfect little Southwestern art town might as well have a no vacancy sign at the entrance. They’re like the cool artsy table at lunch but they’re still saying “you can’t sit with us.”

In the simplest terms he told us that if you wanted to move to Madrid, you would have to wait until someone else moved out.  Or died.  Which can be arranged. Jk. Tessa’s a nice girl. She would never do something like that. She’s not as attention-starved as we are. 

Day 1 And We Already Have Enemies

Color 36Maggie OwensComment

The first impulsive stop on our trip: Solvang, California. We were driving 70 miles an hour down a country road when we passed by a sign with some ostriches on it that read "Feed These Bad Boys." Obviously, we came to a complete halt and risked death to turn into the ostrich farm. Because, if you know us, you know we love bad boys. 

…That was a lie. I secretly check men’s credit scores and refuse to date anyone who has a number lower than 700. If he wears orthopedics, I’m in. He still jams with his A Cappella friends from college? MARRY ME ALREADY.  

A little thing about ostriches: they’re evil. They’ll eat the food right out of your palms and then they’ll go ahead and eat your palms. They’ll leave just enough of you to limp off and warn the others. Let’s just say, if ostriches join the robots, come the revolution, we’re all screwed. Think the Occupy movement but with more plumage.

The sign says "We Like To Bite." 

The sign says "We Like To Bite." 

Oh wait. I forgot this was our color blog and not just my bird burn-book. We found color #36 all over the ostrich farm, from the picnic tables to the benches to the fences.

Blues like this are thought to have a "calming and tranquil effect" on the body. They probably chose to decorate the farm with such a calming blue to distract you from the fact that you’re so dumb and bored, you paid $5 to feed beasts that have a taste for human blood and will become your merciless overlords some day. 

Bonus Fact: You're supposed to avoid blues when cooking and in the kitchen because blue is thought to boost metabolism and suppress appetites. That being said, the ostriches' hunger for human suffering and world domination was very much not suppressed by the blue paint.