PANTOMERICA

Seeking Color In The US

Color 2

Amish or Armani?

Color 7, Color 2, Color 59, Color 45, Color 19, Color 21, Color 23, Color 42, Color 43, Color 44Maggie OwensComment

At the risk of sounding stupid, we genuinely thought Amish country would be inexpensive. We came rolling in, thinking “these people don’t even watch Netflix. I’ve been pretending to watch Grace and Frankie for two full years now. We city folk are gonna clean them out of their quilts before they knew what hit them.” 

It turns out, hand-stitched, one-of-a-kind pieces of art are expensive. Like really expensive, guys. You’d think someone who would have no qualms spending 16 dollars on "farm-to-table" guacamole, even if it was at an Quizno's (especially if it was at a Quizno's?), would’ve expected this. But we were shocked!

If all of this makes us sound ignorant, it’s because we were fucking ignorant. We’re not ashamed to say we knew little about what goes on in Lancaster County until actually visiting Lancaster County. That’s the point of traveling, buttmunch — to become less ignorant. Now go find a Jezebel article on feline genital mutilation you can tear apart. 

Anyway, even from the fabrics alone, you can tell from the unique patterns and painstaking details just how special these textiles are. And, because special = expensive, you can probably guess how many actual quilts we walked away with. It rhymes with hero (which is also something we would order from Quizno's). 

We could afford zero quilts. All the same, it was exciting to even see the quilts and fabrics up close. 

Amish or Armani? Judging from the price tag, it's pretty damn hard to tell. 

Pickin' Up Dudes At The Presidential Wax Museum

Color 2, Color 52, Color 51Maggie Owens1 Comment

Fuck Mt. Rushmore. The place to go for all the hotties with actual bodies (forget stone floating heads) is the Presidential Wax Museum in Keystone, SD. That's where we went to go pick up some dudes to see about getting some presidential D. 

Tessa wasn't overly excited (or as overly excited as we were) and we could hear faint complaints about white, sexist imperialist history coming from her as we ran into the shop. We were all "History? What is his-story? Is he single? Did he ask about me?" (Insert your Millard Fill-More-Condoms joke here). 

It should be noted that Ceil, as we are writing this, thought Millard Fillmore's first name was Grover and she said "I don't know any of their names. I was too busy sucking dick in the locker room in high school." It should also be noted we went to an all-girls Catholic high school.

So while Tessa was grumbling in the gift shop, we cruised the strip to check out all of the executive hotties that the White House (1600 PEENsylvania, Washington DC) had to offer. 

Boxer or brief, commander in chief? The people need to know!

Wanna cuddle, Teddy Bear?

Sun's out, guns out. 

And, honestly, look at our competition. We got this in the bag:

Jackie looks like Josh Brolin had a baby with Josh Brolin. 

Dear future employers,   Maggie did not engage in this kind of activity. Especially not with Jimmy Carter.

Dear future employers, 

Maggie did not engage in this kind of activity. Especially not with Jimmy Carter.

Eh.. honestly, these guys were too stiff (but not in the good way), so we got bored and eventually it turned into this:

In conclusion, we should inform you that Tessa was, in fact, the only person to get a real human's phone number.

His name was Joey and, while we don't know what his favorite color is, we do know his favorite president is Warren G. Harding because he was a "mac-daddy." Here is photo proof:

Tess did it the old-fashioned "flirting" way. But, you know what we think? Well-behaved women rarely get to make out with history.