PANTOMERICA

Seeking Color In The US

Color 19

Amish or Armani?

Color 7, Color 2, Color 59, Color 45, Color 19, Color 21, Color 23, Color 42, Color 43, Color 44Maggie OwensComment

At the risk of sounding stupid, we genuinely thought Amish country would be inexpensive. We came rolling in, thinking “these people don’t even watch Netflix. I’ve been pretending to watch Grace and Frankie for two full years now. We city folk are gonna clean them out of their quilts before they knew what hit them.” 

It turns out, hand-stitched, one-of-a-kind pieces of art are expensive. Like really expensive, guys. You’d think someone who would have no qualms spending 16 dollars on "farm-to-table" guacamole, even if it was at an Quizno's (especially if it was at a Quizno's?), would’ve expected this. But we were shocked!

If all of this makes us sound ignorant, it’s because we were fucking ignorant. We’re not ashamed to say we knew little about what goes on in Lancaster County until actually visiting Lancaster County. That’s the point of traveling, buttmunch — to become less ignorant. Now go find a Jezebel article on feline genital mutilation you can tear apart. 

Anyway, even from the fabrics alone, you can tell from the unique patterns and painstaking details just how special these textiles are. And, because special = expensive, you can probably guess how many actual quilts we walked away with. It rhymes with hero (which is also something we would order from Quizno's). 

We could afford zero quilts. All the same, it was exciting to even see the quilts and fabrics up close. 

Amish or Armani? Judging from the price tag, it's pretty damn hard to tell. 

Pez

Color 48, Color 1, Color 19, Color 12, Color 50, Color 20Maggie OwensComment

Sure, Amish country was beautiful and we had every intention to stop. But before we could get out of the car, Maggie’s phone went belly-up and died like a little bitch. This led to a lot of shouting, plenty of bargaining with God (Amish or not) and a lot of desperate, desperate Google searches.  

When this Google search didn’t yield anything, we had to get creative. 

Well, shit, this one didn’t yield anything either. You might be surprised to hear this but there are no Apple Genius Bars to be found in Amish Country. And, once Maggie realized this, she was depressed to find out there were no real bars either. Just how was she supposed to deal with her iPhone malfunction depression? By screaming something along the lines of “GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE AND TO THE CLOSEST APPLE STORE, DAMMIT.” That's how. 

And that was that. We decided we’d just have to come back to Amish Country in a couple of days once Maggie’s phone was fixed. What’s the point of being in Amish Country if you can’t Instagram it, right? (HATE THIS JOKE, MAKE SOMETHING BETTER CEIL)So we drove an additional four hours to the world-famous New Haven, Connecticut Apple Store. While we waited for those dumbasses from Yale to finish their appointments, we visited the Pez Museum in nearby Orange, Connecticut. 

Here are some of the colors we found at this candy-colored oasis inside a bleak Connecticut office park. 

 What is this, Amish Country? Let's bring this into the 21st Century, Pez.

What is this, Amish Country? Let's bring this into the 21st Century, Pez.

 Yes... that's more like it.

Yes... that's more like it.

ALSO DID YOU KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CHERRY COLA FLAVOR PEZ? ALSO ALSO, DID YOU KNOW THAT IF YOU EAT ABOUT 20 OF THEM OFF THE FLOOR WHERE SOME KID SPILLED THEM IT DOESN’T DULL YOUR DEPRESSION AT ALL? 

Seen And Heard At AnthroCon Day 1

Color 13, Color 19, Color 21, Color 35, Color 37, Color 39Maggie OwensComment

I’d like to say we just happened to stumble on the world’s largest furry convention but no. This is one of the few things (the only thing maybe?) we planned far, far in advance. In fact, when Maggie got the dates wrong, we ended up having to backtrack 590 miles east from Salem, MA to Pittsburgh, PA just to make it on time. Needless to say that our scenic drive through the Poconos was tense and passive-aggressively silent.

From what we thought we knew about furries and what we thought we knew about conventions, we were expecting AnthroCon to be a slutty, debacherous mess. Essentially, we thought it would be a college party bender (there’s an animal house joke here we’re too lazy to make).

To our surprise, AnthroCon was not really about clumsy pick-up lines and full-costume walks of shame the next morning. It wasn't college. Rather, it was a constant ebb and flow of people being cliquey and people being inclusive.  Yep, it was high school.

And if AnthroCon was high school, then we were Drew Barrymore in Never Been Kissed — we were the too old, too uncool-for-school posers flying under the radar to see just what it was like. And here's what we found:

1. There's A Lot Of Love

2. And There's A Lot Of Exclusion

Look at this Arctic creature gazing on to a group that he wishes he could be a part of.  So tragic, so high school.

Or maybe he's just watching the Pittsburgh Panthers game going on in the far distance?

PS: it is so weird knowing that a Panthers game is going on while you're in a convention center with way, way more panthers. 

3. But, Hey, Man, Let Your Freak Flag Fly

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AnthroCon is definitely a time to express yourself. Are you a dog wearing a Pikachu backpack? Or are you more of a tiger wearing an over-sized donut? 

We were all about expressing ourselves in high school but we had a uniform with a fairly strict dress code and inflatable pastries were definitely not within jurisdiction. Such a shame, too, because that's definitely a look we would've rocked.

4. Wait... Are You Guys Gossiping About Me?

Seriously, what are you guys talking about? Is it me? This is all getting a little too high school. Like, come on, guys. Let's act our age (though I'm pretty sure I'm Josie Grosie and I'm 16 years older than you). 

... But I can't really tell how old you are cuz you're wearing fucking furry masks over your face. That could be John C. Reilly under that costume*.

*PLEASE GOD LET IT BE JOHN C. REILLY UNDER THAT COSTUME.

6. In AnthroCon, Like In High School, Fashion Is Key

Look at the style on this guy! You don't get more chic than a vest on a fox. I kind of know what I'm talking about. I was the first girl in my class to wear Uggs. 

6. But, Of Course, There's Gonna Be Some Fashion Faux Paws

Hey Ms. (Mr.?) Thing, I know this is a color blog but wow. If it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's orange on yellow on yellow, let it mellow in your closet forever, am I right??? 

Don't worry. Everyone has those fashion mistakes they look back on with shame. I kind of know what I'm talking about. I was the last girl in my class to stop wearing Uggs. 

Also, I actually really like this outfit. I'm just projecting because of the whole Uggs thing.

7. Some Girls Just Get All The Attention

"What I found? Those girls are still there. The ones that, even as you grow up, will still be the most beautiful girls that you've ever seen close up."

-Josie "Grosie" Geller, “Never Been Kissed”

8. The Hotties With The Bodies Were All There

Isn't it hilarious that we thought the boys we knew in high school had "hot bodies?" MAJOR LOL there. They were squirmy JV-basketball one-time-not-virgins and we were talking about them like they were Gerard Butler. 

Anyway, look how sexy this ram with a six-pack is! What's your sign? Aries? Me too. Does that mean I can touch your biceps? Is it weird that I'm sexualizing a ram? Probably not because that's an actual fucking human, right? 

Also, do you think it's a coincidence that the team mascot in Never Been Kissed was the ram and this guy is dressed as one? Yes. It's 100% a stupid fucking coincidence, Maggie. Let it go. 

9. And Some Boys Are Always Gonna Be Bad To The Core

If angstily smoking while looking at pristine bridges doesn't remind you of high school, you were not an SF kid. Or you had the wherewithal to consider lung cancer (sorry to hear you were a big fat dweeb!).

Also, do you guys remember smoking Cloves? All of my older cousins tried to convince me to stop smoking them because "Cloves are disgusting" and I just remember thinking "sorry you guys aren't as complex as I am but I am going to be smoking these cinnamon sticks forever."

And look at me now — complex as ever at a Furry Convention! SUCK IT COUSINS.

10. No, seriously, you guys. This shit is so high school!

... right down to the straight jacket, you know? Remember how crazy that was?

Wait — did I say straight jacket? I meant halter tops. Remember how crazy halter tops were? Straight jackets are for crazy people and I was only crazy about halter tops back then lol #boys #NormalGirl #NormalGirlAtAFurryConvention

lol can't wait to spread the rumor to those bitches from picture #4 that Ceil wore a straight jacket in high school...

11. In The End, It's All About Friendship :)

Yep, this is an actual photo of Ceil and Maggie. Friendship still strong after 12 years. 

 

So, as an ending to this article, and, perhaps a beginning to a new chapter in my life, I, Josie Geller, will be at the state championship baseball game, where my friends, the Southglen Rams (with six packs!) are playing for the title. I will stand on the pitcher's mound for the five minutes prior to the first pitch. If this man accept my apology, I ask him to come kiss me, in front of everyone, for my first real kiss.

...Shit, that's Never Been Kissed again. Whatever, keep posted to see what else we learned, saw and heard at Anthrocon (and to see if Michael Vartan ever showed up to make out with us!)*

*Spoiler alert: he didn't.

Best quote heard that day:

"Do you kiss your mother with that beak?!"

 

Yellowstone

Color 27, Color 11, Color 19, Color 15, Color 24Maggie OwensComment

First things first, the stones at Yellowstone aren't yellow. The whole park is named after the yellow limestone found more than 100 miles outside the park. As professional color bloggers, it's our professional opinion that this is, as we say, "fucking bullshit." (That's an industry term. Sorry if it gets confusing when we "talk shop." We'll try to keep it simple). 

Upon finding out that no stones would be yellow, Maggie killed herself a couple of times and insisted we do a whole "Tuesday's With Morrie" schtick. She meant to say "Weekend At Bernie's" and was greatly confused when Ceil started speaking to her like the dying professor in Mitch Albom's novel. 

 Oh God how did this happen?!

Oh God how did this happen?!

 What caused this tragedy!!?? Was it average colored rock formations?  Or was it it the banal prose of Mitch Albom's most successful novel? 

What caused this tragedy!!?? Was it average colored rock formations?  Or was it it the banal prose of Mitch Albom's most successful novel? 

We'd also like to mention that "Tuesdays With Morrie" is the worst book ever written or, in professional terminology, "emotional sewer swill." (There we go talking' shop again. Our bad!)

 Trying to drown ourselves amidst the natural splendor of grey stones. GREY! What the FUCK! But, no, for real, guys, there's only one official place you're allowed to swim in Yellowstone and this wasn't it. Imagine the looks we got. 

Trying to drown ourselves amidst the natural splendor of grey stones. GREY! What the FUCK! But, no, for real, guys, there's only one official place you're allowed to swim in Yellowstone and this wasn't it. Imagine the looks we got. 

I guess there were some other pretty cool things to see in Yellowstone apart from fabled yellow limestone.  Mostly, 3,468 square miles of pristine American beauty.  

The geysers are perhaps Yellowstone’s most surprising and stunning feature. They appear prismatic and range from orange, yellow, green to blue. What creates their orange and green colors are living, pigmented microbes. The blue is refracted sunlight. The whole combination looks like Mother Nature’s mood ring (that bitch knows how to accessorize). It’s kind of amazing how many magic tricks nature has for you to see once you put down your shitty Mitch Albom novel!

One last gift from Moody Mother Nature? The bison. We were too Tumblr-obssessed / self-obsessed (same thing, no?) to come face to face with real bison at the bison ranch we paid to stay at so we thought we missed our chance entirely. Well look who we found: 

On a personal Bucket-List level, this was phenomenol. On a color-blog level, this was a dull shitty brown (last time we speak so technically, I swear). Come on, Bison, do your part. 

You know what we say to this bison?

 “Accept who you are and revel in it”.  

-From Snoozedays With Snorrie by Bitch Albom 

Cruisin' With Carl

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We stayed with Carl for a couple days and he took us on a personal tour of the area.  We went on an amazing hike that over looked the river.  We walked through an array of native flora including wild New Mexico sage.  

We thought it would be a great idea to pick a bundle for a sage burning ceremony to purify our car (aka our home for the next 6 months).  Insider's tip: apparently the upholstery of the 2012 Volkswagen Jetta is not fire proof.  

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Tess whipped out her phone to take picture of the scenery and Carl was quick to tease her about the constant need to look at the world through a lens.

Meanwhile, Maggie was hiding in a bush with her phone taking pictures of Carl looking badass in his bandana.

There was a small bench at the peak where we stopped let Carl “take it all in” and “really feel the beauty of nature” while the three of us pretended like we also knew how to “take it all in” and “really feel the beauty of nature."

 

Also part of the Carl tour of New Mexico included driving us out to an eery abandoned house (so we could take pictures for the Tumblrs we’re too old to have.  Don’t worry, Carl says you’re never too old to share artsy pictures on the internet with the hopes of impressing teenagers online.)  

Next we stopped at what I can best describe as a hippie wasteland.  It was basically an enormous tract of land dotted with broken down Volkswagen buses owned by white people with dreadlocks.  Nobody seemed to be doing much, or paying taxes.  We mostly just drove around listening to Carl making fun of them for being to lazy to build a real house.  Real houses have dragons. 

We also got a chance to visit the famous Earth Ships outside Taos.  These building have become a cultural and environmental phenomenon.  They are incredibly sustainable solar houses that are made out of old tires and bottles.  They are modern and beautiful and they even recycle water to grow food.  Seeing them in person was pretty spectacular.  

After listening to a short video in the visitors office about all the diverse and functional properties of the Earth Ships, we walked around and listened to Carl talk about how poorly structured they were.  To be fair, there were no dragons. 

Last we went to a spectacular river gorge with one of the most amazing views we’ve ever seen.  No comments form Carl about the structural quality of the bridge.