PANTOMERICA

Seeking Color In The US

solvang

Scary In Solvang

Color 60Maggie OwensComment

Solvang, California is this mock-Danish little village off of Highway 101 that is too idyllic and pleasant to be real. It's kind of like Disneyland for adults (or, really, Disneyland for adults who don't love their children enough to actually take them to Disneyland). 

We genuinely couldn't believe one place could be this cheerful and adorkable. Like, you know when Zooey Deschanel gets home, she sets down her half-asian ukulele and takes a huge dump, right? Because no one can be that pleasantly quirky 24/7? 

Well, apparently Solvang can. We couldn't find one unnerving scene or sketchy corner in the whole damn Danish town. Apparently, the last time Denmark had any dark fun or gossip floating around Ophelia was found face-down in a river. Floating! Ophelia! Puns! Look Ma, we're quirky too!

Well, for two girls with a color blog we wear a lot of black. A teenaged girl behind the counter at a technicolor ice-cream parlor asked us if we were "drama kids." Because we weren't wearing pastels and we weren't smiling at strangers.  

Yep, that's us. Just two goths with a color blog!!

TOO GOTH 2 BLOG. TOO GOTH 2 BLOG.  TOO GOTH 2 BLOG.   TOO GOTH 2 BLOG.   TOO GOTH 2 BLOG. 

TOO GOTH 2 BLOG. TOO GOTH 2 BLOG. TOO GOTH 2 BLOG. TOO GOTH 2 BLOG. TOO GOTH 2 BLOG. 

99 Problems And Ostriches Are Seriously ALL Of Them

Maggie OwensComment
Such an ass-wipe. 

Such an ass-wipe. 

Considering this is a color blog, we decided to go ahead and email a couple of “ostrich experts” about life through the eyes of ostriches. Specifically, we asked: “what colors can an ostrich see?” and “what do you think an ostrich’s favorite color would be?”

It’s been a full week since those emails were sent and NOT ONE DAMN OSTRICH EXPERT has responded. Are ornithologists the stuck up popular bitches at the lunch table of the science world? Are we nerds — too uncool to sit at this table at all? More updates on this later. 

It might be too early in our blog (literally the first day of our trip) to express a vendetta but there are some bitchy ostrich experts out there who have some major explaining to do (I’M LOOKING AT YOU DR. ROSALINA OF MARYLAND UNIVERSITY).

Day 1 And We Already Have Enemies

Color 36Maggie OwensComment

The first impulsive stop on our trip: Solvang, California. We were driving 70 miles an hour down a country road when we passed by a sign with some ostriches on it that read "Feed These Bad Boys." Obviously, we came to a complete halt and risked death to turn into the ostrich farm. Because, if you know us, you know we love bad boys. 

…That was a lie. I secretly check men’s credit scores and refuse to date anyone who has a number lower than 700. If he wears orthopedics, I’m in. He still jams with his A Cappella friends from college? MARRY ME ALREADY.  

A little thing about ostriches: they’re evil. They’ll eat the food right out of your palms and then they’ll go ahead and eat your palms. They’ll leave just enough of you to limp off and warn the others. Let’s just say, if ostriches join the robots, come the revolution, we’re all screwed. Think the Occupy movement but with more plumage.

The sign says "We Like To Bite." 

The sign says "We Like To Bite." 

Oh wait. I forgot this was our color blog and not just my bird burn-book. We found color #36 all over the ostrich farm, from the picnic tables to the benches to the fences.

Blues like this are thought to have a "calming and tranquil effect" on the body. They probably chose to decorate the farm with such a calming blue to distract you from the fact that you’re so dumb and bored, you paid $5 to feed beasts that have a taste for human blood and will become your merciless overlords some day. 

Bonus Fact: You're supposed to avoid blues when cooking and in the kitchen because blue is thought to boost metabolism and suppress appetites. That being said, the ostriches' hunger for human suffering and world domination was very much not suppressed by the blue paint.