Seeking Color In The US


Crème De La Gwyn

Maggie OwensComment

When camping in West Virignia, on a night so dark you can't see your hand in front of your face, fuck ghost stories — tell Goop stories. The three of us decided to collaborate on an collection of work, investigating one of Hollywood's most divisive starlets, Ms. Gwenyth Paltrow. 

Here's what we came up with — the Crème De La Gwyn, if you will:

1. People think Gwenyth is "high-maintenance," but this couldn't be farther from the truth. Look how casual she is with messy hair:

2. She may not be high maintenance, but if you don't remember who won Best Actress in 1998, she'll fucking cut you with a set of Sur La Table knives: 

3. Is there anything more on brand than a portrait of Gwenyth captured on a Whole Foods napkin? 

4. Also, the motto "Goop in the Street, Poop in the Sheets" is absolutely one to live by. 

5. "What's in the box???" a forlorn Brad Pitt asked at the end of Se7en. Gwenyth Paltrow isn't afraid of shit, so she's not afraid to show you:

6. Though, let's not fixate too much on what's in the box. Take a moment to think outside the box (a.k.a Gwyn's hot bod):

7. Somehow, Gwyn is an ex-pat and incredibly "country strong," all at once. How does she do it?

8. Look beyond America and the U.K. Gwyn is an international superstar. Check out this Japanese DVD cover from her 2003 hit "View from the Top": 

9. Think just because Goop has articles on finding the right Italian villa or making a fruit tart, that Gwyneth's soft? Check out her hard-as-nails squad, featuring daughter Apple Martin and delicious drink Apple Martinelli's. 

Gwenyth's poem: 

Think Gwenyth's tame like a Coldplay song?
Because she's Chris Martin's whore?
Well, this bitch ain't yellow, 
she'll make you're life hell, oh
you'll "viva la vida" no more. 


Apple Martin's poem:

An apple a day keeps the doctor away
-or at least that's what they say-
but don't go startin'
beef with Ms. Martin
or a doctor will be too little too late.


Apple Martinelli's poem:

What? You're not afraid of Martinelli's?
Because it's soda? Because it's pop?
Well, when the gas it sends
comes out from both ends, 
we'll see who comes out on top! 


Jude Law / Clive Owen Poem

Maggie OwensComment

It should go without saying that spending six months' worth of nights in various motels can affect your sanity a little bit. I mean, there's only so many episodes of Chopped in this world that you haven't seen. And when the Chopped cup runneth dry, shit gets weird.

How weird, you ask? Like "write a poem about Clive Owen" weird. 

plain poem.jpg
Jude Law, in a nude spa, 
spots Clive Owen passing through —
he says "don't come in closer, it would make things grosser,
though 'Closer' is where I met you."

... Sorry, sanity. You've been Chopped.

Postcard From New Hampshire

Maggie OwensComment

Off the Kangamangus Highway in New Hampshire, we stumbled across the oldest continuously running general store in America, the Brick Store. There you can find old-fashioned fudge, New England maple syrup / maple-flavored candy and owner Mike Lusby's band's The Rocking Chair's newest album. Lusby is originally from Livermore, CA (SHOUT-OUT TO THE BEST OUTLETS IN THE BAY! NO OFFENSE GILROY. SORRY TO GET POLITICAL!). 


A haiku from New Hampshire:

"This general store 
had more stuff than George Custer
himself could muster"

Road Head

Maggie OwensComment

So, as you guys might remember, our antique 1990's Beanie Babies are very hot to trot / sexual. This was confirmed when we opened the swing tags (industry term) attached to their ears.

Most millennials will remember that each authentic Beanie Baby came with its own "get-to-know-me" poem. Well, we were just flabbergasted to read what Poopsie and Diana had to say for themselves. This is some real NSFW (not safe for work), NSFV (not safe for virgins), NSFPNLJS (not safe for pre-Nick-Lachey Jessica Simpson) and NSFY (not safe for you) stuff. 

$$$ $hot

$$$ $hot

A Poem About Frankie Muniz

Maggie OwensComment

If you're following our adventures in Iowa, you'll know that we recently discovered that Frankie Muniz's net worth is 40 million dollars. Here's what we think of that:

40 million? 40 million?!

Muniz is no normal civilian!

The middle is no longer where Malcolm is caught

‘less it be the middle of some big fat yacht!

That Big Fat Liar! That deviant!

Agent Cody Banks is counting every cent. 

Cody BANKS?! We should’ve guessed from the name —

the middle class is dying and Malcolm’s to blame.

Boo Hoo for Pug-A-Boo

Maggie OwensComment

Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears;

We come to bury Pug-a-Boo, and to praise him.  

We lost him in a flood in Colorado Springs.

He was a humble friend, never too inflated—

always genuine and real, never fake or plastic.

Though he floated above us, he walked among us.