Not everyone can pull off the bare-ass look in public, both fashion-wise and legally speaking.
But if this deer and Ceil know one thing between the two of them, its that when Noted Fashion Photographer Maggie "Nigel Barker" Owens wants to take a picture of your butt with a DSLR camera named R.Kelly*, you make it work!
*The fact that our road trip camera is nick-named R.Kelly, and the perverse nature of these photographs are purely coincidence.
What we learned at Blackwater Falls in West Virginia:
1) "Moss can be a lot brighter of a green than you'd expect!"
2) ^^^ that's a really dorky thing to be shouting to your friends right before you trip on the moss and fall ass-first into the water.
3) Rachel has to try a lot less hard to look indie than Maggie and Ceil do.
Ceil giving it her all.
Maggie trying really, really hard. What is this? A senior portrait?
Rachel giving minimal effort, achieving maximum indieness.
She even looks indie when almost falling into the water.
But, for the record, it wasn't Rachel who 100% fell into the water.
... It was Maggie. You all already know it was Maggie so what's the point.
Baltimore is the home of one of the best museums we have ever been to. The American Visionary Art Museum houses work by boundary-pushing, self-taught American artists. I would love to go into an elaborate review of everything this museum has to offer, but what would be the point when the review, below, says it all?
There’s no need to be redundant here. This five-star rating really captures our entire experience, if by “son” you mean Ceil, and by “fart machine” you mean a literal fart machine.
In Maryland, we visited a haunted site called "the Hell House." Naturally, Ceil brought her hellish little baby along. Nothing is as idyllic of a backdrop for a demon baby birth announcement as a satanic alter!
Congratulations to the beautiful family — give 'em hell, you guys!
The Berkshires were so lovely, we had no choice but to give in to Mother Earth and go blueberry picking.
HOW LUCKY CAN TWO GIRLS BE?
^^ I mean, look at that! Take a step back and really look at that. What splendid, splendid beauty can be found in something that just grows straight from the earth.
Who needs the big blue sea? Who needs purple mountain majesty? Who needs all that grandeur when you can find such striking beauty in such a small package? What a remarkable world we live in.
... WAIT WTF WAS THAT?! WHERE DID THE CHARMING BLUEBERRIES GO?
Oh... phew. That's more like it.
Isn't Mother Nature truly majestic? Even something as small as a blueberry holds, to its core, such fierce beauty.
HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FLAMING TURD IS THAT?!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WHAT'S GOING ON? WHAT'S HAPPENING?! WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?!
KILLLLLLLLLL ME. KILLLLLLLLLL ME. HAVE MERCY ON MY SOUL AND JUST KILLLLLLLLLLLLL ME.
Spotted in Columbus, Ohio — this beautiful "wonder bread red."
Spotted in Columbus, Ohio — this bootyful "white bread white."
Our journey to the eastern border of Wyoming was an arduous one. It took a full six hours across what Ceil called "Bleaksville, Nothingz County." (Please note: Ceil absolutely cracks herself up when she says this. Her game-changing jokes like this are what makes a six hour journey feel like only a five and three quarters one).
Why such a long journey? We were on our way to see Devil's Tower.
In the 11th hour, someone, I won't name names but it rhymes with Tessa, asked, "How long are we really going to look at a rock for?"
Outraged, Cecilia and Maggie quickly fired back at Rhymes-With-Tessa, saying things like "it's not about the destination; it's about the journey!" and "Live a little! When are you ever going to return to Bleaksville, Nothingz County?!"
We even told her that in addition to its being a total geological anomoly and a sacred ground for several planes tribes including the Dakota and Cheyenne, "this rock muthafucka is the muthafucking rock in 'Close Encounters of the Third Kind." None of us has actually seen this movie but, one day, Netflix might add it to its streaming catalog and that would be very, very important to us.
So we looked at the rock.
We really, really looked at it.
But somehow, Ceil ended up in a child's sized swimsuit and we ended up just taking pictures of ourselves per usual.
Because I (Maggie) made fun of Ceil's sense of humor earlier in this post, Ceil says I have to finish this by giving her a compliment and, according to her, "it can’t be how good I look in a child’s bathing suit." You know what I have to say? She's got the heart and courage of a lion.
Guys, Ceil doesn't know I'm writing this so I have to write it super quick.
She'll deny this until her dying day but I had her 100% convinced that they call it Colorado Springs because they manufacture mattress box springs here. And I convinced her that Serta sponsored all of their sports teams.
She insisted that she "knew I was lying" because she "always knows when I'm lying." But if she "always knows when I'm lying," why did she believe me when I said I was on Facebook just now when I'm really writing this hard-hitting blog post?
If you ever find yourself driving down New Mexico State Road 14, there are two things you need to know:
1. The locals call it the turquoise trail so seriously, guys, be cool. Don’t be all uncool. (Ceil wants to say “if you’re too green to know it’s Turquoise, you’ll make me blue.” Get it? Color blog?)
2. You absolutely HAVE to stop at the Tinkertown Museum.
The Tinkertown Museum is a collection of the 40 years worth of wood carvings, circus relics and kitschy coin machines made by artist Ross Ward. Oh, and, guys, it was featured on MTV.
Remember on MTV Cribs when a celeb like Busta Rhymes or Xzibit would show us their king-size bed and say something like “here’s where the magic happens?” Well, Tinkertown is where the real magic happens. It proves once and for all that Xzibit didn’t know what the BLEEP he was talking about (Parental Advisory: Explicit Content all up in this mutha-bleepin’ blog!).
Anyway, more about the Tinkertown Xzibit…
Inside the Tinkertown museum, you can feed quarter-machines that will then play music, predict your future or set off some vibrant Appalachian scene.
There’s something to look at in every bleeping corner of the Tinkertown Museum. The walls are made from salvaged glass bottles (looks like Ross Ward knew how to party. Where’s his MTV Cribs episode?).
Plus, one of the most charming parts of Tinkertown is all of the signs. Their tone matches the kitschy atmosphere of the whole exhibit (Xzibit) but also adds a moody flair that most teenagers would kill to have.
PS: Did you guys know that there was an entire MTV series called “MTV’s Teen Cribs?” Couldn’t you totally see an emo kid screaming that quote about the undertaker to his mom and telling her to “stay the hell out” of his room because that’s where the magic happens? Even though the magic could never happen there unless he’s talking specifically about Magic: The Gathering?
Prayer To Saint Francis:
Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace
Where there are long roads, let us have gas
When we have gas, let there be probiotics
Where there are probiotics, let Ceil not talk too much about the innerworkings of the GI Tract
My computer is so advanced, it thinks it can recognize the faces of my friends. It presented me with this gift:
...Has technology come too far?