PANTOMERICA

Seeking Color In The US

flirting

Seen And Heard At AnthroCon (PROM-EDITION!!!)

Maggie Owens1 Comment

So, as you guys know, we spent not one but TWO FULL DAYS at AnthroCon and we learned that furry conventions are pretty much just like high school. There's just as much sweating (those animal suits are hot!) and there's probably a lot more petting (furries are hot hot hot). 

All good things end with a party, e.g the movie Footloose, turning 15 if you're Latina, your life (though I guess you're not technically invited to your own wake). And high school — high school ends with prom. So like any decent 26 year-old teenagers would do, we treated the big dance party at the end of Anthrocon like prom. 

So here are some tips for all you teenagers out there on how to survive prom, straight to you from some almost-30-somethings who went to a fucking furry convention once. This won't be weird at all, we promise.

 

1. Get Ready To Flirt

Remember, your eyes are the window to your soul. If you can't pull off a coquettish batting of the eye like this furry, how will anyone ever know just how slutty your soul is to the core?

2. Practice Your Dance Moves Beforehand

Dancing is hugely important at prom. Because teenagers are famously comfortable with their bodies, it's super important that you can dance as well as a professional. Remember: everyone is going to be watching your every move because you matter the most.

To prepare, maybe try watching music videos at home and practicing the moves you see in your room. Or, spice it up and hire a dance coach 4 nights a week. Or maybe even drop out of school to practice full-time. Do what you gotta do! Just remember — have fun with it, too :)

An important element of dance is coming off as a natural. It should never look like you practiced your dance moves or spent any time giving a shit at all. Look how casual this unicorn is about its stellar "show off my guns" dance move. Casual, but classic.

How do you give off that nonchalant vibe while dancing? It always helps to scream things like "I've never practiced this before!" or "Wow! Who knew I could do that?" Make sure to speak loudly and enunciate because often at prom, the music is obnoxiously louder than you. 

For a dramatic flair, take a page from Footloose's book and scream "I wasn't even allowed to dance in my hometown because some kids drove off the road and our pastor went apeshit!" If anyone from your hometown hears you and challenges this story, pretend you can't hear them over the shitty prom music and go find a new area to dance.

3. Always Steal The Spotlight... Or Else. 

Check out the body language on this dog (?). They are literally pointing at themselves. That kind of "look at me! look at me!" commanding attitude is always fun at parties and always age-appropriate. 

Check out the body language on this dog (?). They are literally pointing at themselves. That kind of "look at me! look at me!" commanding attitude is always fun at parties and always age-appropriate. 

As any feminist or person with social skills knows, it's unacceptable to let anyone else get more attention than you at a party, even if it's "their birthday" or "you weren't technically invited." If they can't upstage you back, they have no room to complain. 

It's your party and you'll cry if you want to, right? Or go through with a fake pregnancy scare if you have to, right? If you're flying under the radar for even a second, throw a glass of punch in your date's face or jump from one moving car to another one just like Lori Singer did in Footloose. 

Pro-tip: call the venue ahead of time and find out who's in charge of the lighting. Use the flirting techniques you learned in Lesson #1 to make sure the spotlight ALWAYS finds you before you have to find it. 

4. Wallflower? More Like Wall Power. 

"Confidence-encouraging" teen magazines and guidance counselors alike will try to convince you  to "put yourself out there." They'll tell you not hang around the sidelines, giving in to what to certain therapists call "crippling social anxiety, Maggie. Maggie stop covering your ears. Maggie, I know you can hear me."

But the thing about teen magazine editors, guidance counselors and rude-ass Dr. Nicholson is... they're not young teenagers like we are. They don't know how cool it is to just hang around and make fun of other people for giving a crap or having fun. People who have fun in public think they're so awesome but like... look how awesome you look when you're sitting with your arms crossed. 

Remember: no matter what the situation is, if someone is standing and you're sitting, they're trying harder than you. And that's pathetic. It's a wonder man even evolved to stand upright in the first place. Like what a loser try-hard. 

5. Remember to believe in true love 

This one is self-explanatory. 

Road Head

Maggie OwensComment

So, as you guys might remember, our antique 1990's Beanie Babies are very hot to trot / sexual. This was confirmed when we opened the swing tags (industry term) attached to their ears.

Most millennials will remember that each authentic Beanie Baby came with its own "get-to-know-me" poem. Well, we were just flabbergasted to read what Poopsie and Diana had to say for themselves. This is some real NSFW (not safe for work), NSFV (not safe for virgins), NSFPNLJS (not safe for pre-Nick-Lachey Jessica Simpson) and NSFY (not safe for you) stuff. 

$$$ $hot

$$$ $hot


Cousin Kelly

Maggie OwensComment

We parked our car across the street from Cousin Kelly's house in Buffalo, New York.  On the way to lunch, we avoided him at all costs.  Top be completely honest, he was wearing a wife beater and a fedora and that was enough reason at the time.  On the way back to the car we miraculously managed to see through the fedora and saw the 20 foot totem pole he was creating in his front yard.  

Just look at this Daddy-O.  He's as cool as saying "Daddy-O". 

Just look at this Daddy-O.  He's as cool as saying "Daddy-O". 

Profession: Artist/Totem Pole Carver

Race: Algonquin with "white man blood" (Just an FYI for our readers — we seriously, seriously didn't ask him about this).  

Favorite Color: Rainbow.  He rediscovered his love of the spectrum when he started working on his totems.  

Work With Totem Poles: He's been carving them for years.  In fact, he even wrote his Graduate thesis on proving that totems are memorials to Lemurian ancestors from the lost continent of Lemuria.  

For those who don't know, Lemuria is a fabled lost continent that disappeared from the Pacific Ocean, and is rumored to be the origin of all mankind.  Lemuria thrived about 14,000 years ago.  This was about the time that Atlantis thrived as well.  It is rumored that some Lemurians survived The Great Flood by moving underground.   They now take residence on Mount Shasta in California.  

 

According to Cousin Kelly, Lemurians were ancestors to Native American people and they were saved after The Great Flood by "Sasquatch".  Wanna know how he proved all of this?  Read his goddamn dissertation.  This is our blog, not his.  

This is Cousin Kelly describing to us the migration patterns of the survivors of Lemuria.  

This is Cousin Kelly describing to us the migration patterns of the survivors of Lemuria.  

More about Sasquatch: One time, Cousin Kelly set eyes on Big Foot/Sasquatch when he was camping with his Irish Setter in Canada on a trip hunting Lemurians.  Big Foot didn't harm his dog, or Cousin Kelly for that matter, because the Sasquatch and the Irish Setter were kindred spirits.  Cousin Kelly also couldn't tell whose eyes were whose in the darkness of the night.  

From where we're standing, wild things go to Buffalo to carve totem pole.  

From where we're standing, wild things go to Buffalo to carve totem pole.  

More about dogs:  One time, Hugh Laurie of "House, M.D." fame, tried to see Cousin Kelly's trick dog to Jodie Foster.  If you're confused by this story, sorry to say that we have no additional information to offer you because Cousin Kelly swiftly moved on to the next topic.  The next topic was Jodie Foster.  

More about Jodie Foster:  Jodie Foster and Cousin Kelly are best friends.  Jodie always says that he reminds her of Robert "Bobby" De Niro from her first movie, Taxi Driver.  If you don't know who Robert De Niro is, he was the guy driving the taxi in that Jodie Foster movie.  Cousin Kelly and Jodie Foster love to "roll doobies"  at Grace Slick's house on Fulton street in San Francisco.  They really are the best of friends.  

Cousin Kelly's current dog and second best friend after Jodie Foster.  Stay the fuck away from him High Laurie.  

Cousin Kelly's current dog and second best friend after Jodie Foster.  Stay the fuck away from him High Laurie.  

Road Burn

Maggie OwensComment

What are two girls to do when they're in the car for 8 hours and they've listened to all of Rob Thomas' "new stuff?"

Should they talk to each other? Keep their eyes on the road? Listen to Rob Thomas' "not-so-new stuff?" Hell no. It's time to stop bickering at each other and turn on the other drivers of the road. We present to you, with pride, our 1-90 burn book!

Red and white car, little Ms. Candy Cane? More like Red, White and Bitch. Get a real job. 

Ooooo, cool apple sticker. What's your operating system, iSuck? Cuz you do. You suck. Go cry to the cloud about it. Get a real job, Steve Jobs. 

Where you going'? Get some real sleeves. 

Single white female. You look like my freshman year biology teacher Ms. Kendall. Are you my freshman year biology teacher Ms. Kendall? If not, take off those shades. You are no Ms. Kendall!

Who you texting, your parole officer, you fucking criminal? You're breaking the law! You're putting us, Ms. Kendall and Rob Thomas in danger! 

4217.jpg

Oooo, what do we have here? Look at you, Ms. Thing. Driving with both hands on the wheel. Ten and two, am I right? Shawty, you a TEN and we're the TWO single white females to your left. Va va voom.

... Not really a burn. 

This guy hasn't seen any road head since that mustache was in style. Burn, baby, burn. 

This guy's probably seen a little too much road head since that mustache was in style. 

Hey Rob Thomas! Your not-so-new stuff isn't as good as your new stuff! BURN! 

Butterfly Chris

Maggie OwensComment

Every year in Columbus, Ohio the Franklin Park Conservatory and Botanical Garden has an exhibit called "Blooms and Butterflies." Throughout the spring and summer, every afternoon they release newly emerged exotic butterflies into the botanical garden.  A butterfly expert introduces each new species to an audience.  

Seen at the Blooms And Butterflies exhibit

Seen at the Blooms And Butterflies exhibit

Don't get fooled by the name, Slick. There might be some blooms and there might be some butterflies but this ain't your grandma's botanical exhibit. Fuck your grandma. I went to her botanical exhibit last year and it was a load of shit. 

The main reason this exhibit was so much more badass than that of your cunt grandma was because of Mr. Butterfly Chris. Just look at this guy. He looks like the kind of guy you don't want to piss off at a bar cuz he'll beat your ass with a pool stick. But really he's the kind of guy who frolics arounds Ohio catching butterflies with a net. The kind of guy your grandma doesn't want to piss off because he makes a delightful high tea guest. 

Anyway, enough about your slut grandma, we were lucky enough to interview Butterfly Chris. 

Fave Color: Blue followed closely by pink for no reason

Fave Butterfly: None in here, believe it or not. There’s a group of small butterflies called hair streaks and they’re about the size of your thumbnail.

Their color scheme is orange and blue spotting. The most cool thing about them is their bizarre relationship with ants. Hair streak caterpillars become pupa (or, disgusting word warning, pupate) in ant hills and the ants protect them. But once it becomes an actual butterfly it has very little time before the ants turn on it. I think that’s cool. 

Seen at the Blooms And Butterflies exhibit

Seen at the Blooms And Butterflies exhibit

What’s your favorite color fact about butterflies: The relationship with butterflies and color is best exemplified through the idea of mimicry. Here we are a Pipeline Swallowtail butterfly and it is toxic. It’s neon blue at the edge of its wings. That’s how predators know not to eat it otherwise they will die. But, other edible butterflies what that same color scheme are also saved from predators. Birds learn not to eat that color scheme so color can literally save a butterfly’s life. 

It should be noted that we didn't make up the name Butterfly Chris. His friends (and probably your grandma) actually call him Butterfly Chris. Can you imagine being so into your job that it's actually a part of your name? Like "Mattress Salesman Randy Mancini" or "President Barack Obama." I guess that last one isn't that weird. 

Sculpture Artist Wayne Porter

Maggie OwensComment

Name: Wayne Porter

Profession: Artist.  Wayne is a self-taught sculpture artist who works with mostly recycled materials.  He makes both small-scale and large-scale sculptures, some getting up to 60 feet tall.  

Hometown: Montrose, South Dakota

About His Studio: Wayne’s property in rural South Dakota is now a much visited sculpture park featuring all of his work. Pieces of his that range from a giant, red dragon to a demonic Jack-In-The-Box clown tower over highway 14.

It’s clear Wayne loves living in South Dakota. He was as enthusiastic and excited to show off some of the flora that grew on his property (like bluegrass and sage) as he was showing us a, say, 8 foot statue of a frog dissection. In fact, he gets some complaints from his neighbors about how he doesn’t cut the grass. “Really weird,” he explained. “I love the grass.”

Wayne also lives with his albino dog, Bambino.  

How did you get started with sculpture?:  “I grew up in a blacksmith shop,” he explains.  Wayne’s dad was a blacksmith in St. Lawrence, South Dakota.  His first experiment with sculpture design was a small bull, which he still has on the desk in his shop. It’s funny to think years later, he’d own his own studio / property with a 60 foot bull’s head he crafted himself. 

IMG_3206.jpg

What is your process?:  Despite the fact that Wayne’s sculptures are often life size or larger, he works with no preconceived plans.  He says that he pretty much just flies by the seat of his pants.  “I can’t draw them first ‘cause I can’t draw.  Can’t even write the idea down ‘cause I can’t read my own handwriting. I just have to go for it.”  

On the topic of inspiration, Wayne added “It comes to me at two in the morning and I just let it talk.” This wouldn’t be the last time Wayne anthropomorphized his art by a long shot. Frankly, if you were creating gargantuan figures of flies and goldfish toting umbrellas, you probably would too. 

Porter says cartoons are a big inspiration for his art. 

Porter says cartoons are a big inspiration for his art. 

What kind of materials do you use?: Wayne uses everything he can find, including but not limited to old refrigerator parts, cement mixers, soft water tanks, diesel tanks, car rims, and old station wagon parts.  

Porter says he doesn't understand why people constantly compare his work to that of Tim Burton's or say it is macabre. He just doesn't find what he does all that creepy. 

Porter says he doesn't understand why people constantly compare his work to that of Tim Burton's or say it is macabre. He just doesn't find what he does all that creepy. 

“When I was younger I used a lot more recycled materials ‘cause I was working faster.  I would take anything I could find and just start making something with it.”  In recent years, Wayne has has taken a slower approach.  He spent three years working on the bull's head alone. 

Favorite Color:  Red.  “i don’t know anything about color or art,” he insists.  “But like anyone, if I like it I like it.  I’ll completely change the colors on a sculpture if I decide I don’t like it.”  Red shows up a lot in Wayne’s process. “Rust is the disease of iron,” he says. And if he likes it, he likes it. 

What colors remind you of Montrose?:  He says that the spectrum of natural colors in the area has changed a lot since he settled on his property 15 years ago.  “It’’s hard to find colors here now.  The county is disappearing.  It used to be 1000 people, now theres 3,900.” 

"Steinbeck said 'you'd be proud of anything if it's all you have," Wayne told us. 

"Steinbeck said 'you'd be proud of anything if it's all you have," Wayne told us. 

Hobo Nickel Archie

Maggie Owens1 Comment

Name: Archie 

Profession: President of the Official Hobo Nickel Society

Hometown: Somewhere in Florida though he travels around in his van, teaching the country about hobo nickels. 

Example Of A Modern Twist: Archie knew one young woman who carved the buffalo on the coin into a buffalo stripper, including its very own stripper pole and heels.

How Did You Get Involved With Hobo Nickels: "My dad started me in Hobos back in 1994 and it was a great 20 years and still will be a great future.

Your Greatest Moment With Hobo Nickels: He sold one hobo nickel for 24,000. 

What Is Your Favorite Color: We’re gonna have to do a direct quote on this one because otherwise you won’t believe us. "My favorite color is whatever croc i have on my right foot and whatever different  color i have on left. It makes people smile and talk.” We can’t make this shit up.

Bonus Fact: We won’t mention the specific carrier but Archie’s online handle is HoboChief69. Again, can’t make this shit up. 


Pickin' Up Dudes At The Presidential Wax Museum

Color 2, Color 52, Color 51Maggie Owens1 Comment

Fuck Mt. Rushmore. The place to go for all the hotties with actual bodies (forget stone floating heads) is the Presidential Wax Museum in Keystone, SD. That's where we went to go pick up some dudes to see about getting some presidential D. 

Tessa wasn't overly excited (or as overly excited as we were) and we could hear faint complaints about white, sexist imperialist history coming from her as we ran into the shop. We were all "History? What is his-story? Is he single? Did he ask about me?" (Insert your Millard Fill-More-Condoms joke here). 

It should be noted that Ceil, as we are writing this, thought Millard Fillmore's first name was Grover and she said "I don't know any of their names. I was too busy sucking dick in the locker room in high school." It should also be noted we went to an all-girls Catholic high school.

So while Tessa was grumbling in the gift shop, we cruised the strip to check out all of the executive hotties that the White House (1600 PEENsylvania, Washington DC) had to offer. 

Boxer or brief, commander in chief? The people need to know!

Wanna cuddle, Teddy Bear?

Sun's out, guns out. 

And, honestly, look at our competition. We got this in the bag:

Jackie looks like Josh Brolin had a baby with Josh Brolin. 

Dear future employers,   Maggie did not engage in this kind of activity. Especially not with Jimmy Carter.

Dear future employers, 

Maggie did not engage in this kind of activity. Especially not with Jimmy Carter.

Eh.. honestly, these guys were too stiff (but not in the good way), so we got bored and eventually it turned into this:

In conclusion, we should inform you that Tessa was, in fact, the only person to get a real human's phone number.

His name was Joey and, while we don't know what his favorite color is, we do know his favorite president is Warren G. Harding because he was a "mac-daddy." Here is photo proof:

Tess did it the old-fashioned "flirting" way. But, you know what we think? Well-behaved women rarely get to make out with history. 

Animal Stuffin', Good Lovin' Joe

Maggie Owens1 Comment

Disclaimer:  

We were leaving Yellowstone when we drove through the town of Dubois, Wyoming.  We saw a roadside sign for a taxidermy shop.

What we thought would be a gruesome adventure into Wyoming mountain life turned out to be quite the opposite.  Instead of finding gross shit we found Joe.  Joe is hot.  And actually there was a lot of gross shit but joe was really hot so we kind of didn’t notice.  Maybe he was skinning a mountain goat before our eyes.  We didn’t really know what was going on.

Tessa was so smitten by him that she forgot that she hates guns.  In fact, she thinks their perfect for each other and they’d be able to, in her words, “work it out as opposites.”

While he rifled through the pages of his taxidermy catalog, showing us false deer and moose eyes he would order and later shove into the skull of so    me dead animal, our eyes were fixed on his. In fact, our eyes probably looked as googly as the fakes ones in the catalog did. 

Each of us stood in his sexy little murder den fantasizing about him being her boyfriend. Like, maybe he’d send me flowers or win me a big stuffed bear at a carnival. Except, I guess, in his fantasy, it would be a bear that he shot, dragged back to his workshop, skinned and stuffed himself. Swoon!

Long story short, our pictures of him are blurry. A girl can’t be expected to focus her lens or her mind with such a foxy fox-murderer around? Did we just take women back 50 years? Somebody shoot me. Joe? 

Name: Joe

Hometown: Dubois, Wy

Profession: Taxidermist.  Being an avid hunter, Joe originally got into taxidermy because he couldn’t afford a taxidermist.  He started as an amateur and then began going to taxidermy shows around the area.  After a series of white ribbon awards he decided he needed to improve.  Joe is now the owner of Windy Mountain Taxidermy in Dubois, and his shop is filled with expertly stuffed animals.  

What’s the craziest thing you’ve stuffed?: “I’ve done a monkey for a zoo.”  Joe has also stuffed pythons for zoos.  

Craziest thing in the shop:  Buffalo penis that he turned into a walking cane.  Probably not the biggest in the room, am I right, Joe?

Fave Color: Green, like a plant green.  The kind of green you hide in when you see a bear.  (Joe has, in fact, faced a bear.  Joe is incredibly nonchalant about this fact).  

Name of your hunting dog: La Dee Da(😍😍🔫🐕🔫😍😍). Must Love Dogs? Check! Must Kill Elk? Check! 

Bison Ranch Dan

Maggie OwensComment

Name: Dan Thiel

Hometown: Cheyenne, Wyoming

Profession: Owner and Operator of Terry Bison Ranch

Mission: “We try to give people a little flavor of the whole west.”   Dan stresses wholesome family fun and entertainment.  He and his family, who all work together at the ranch, have set up a train tour, horseback riding excursions, and ATV’s all as different ways to get people excited about exploring what the West has to offer.  

About the Bison: There are 2500 bison at the ranch, roaming across 27.500 acres.  Dan loves getting to take people out to get up close and personal with the animal that played such an important role in the history of the region.  

What colors remind you of Wyoming: “Really you have your two colors.  Summer green and winter dormant brown.”  Dan is originally from North Dakota, and says that when he same out to Wyoming at 15, he noticed how green everything was.  “Every state has its magical parts,” he says.  “We like to think we’re a part of the magic here in Wyoming.”  

Favorite color: Red, particularly the color of his red pickup truck.  Dan’s father was in construction.  He built big steel electric lines that were used for the Hoover Dam.  The company color was red.  “All the trucks were red.  Uniformity was important for the corporate theme.”  Today at Terry Bison Ranch all the machinery is painted Red, White, and Blue. 

Garden of the Gods Cy

Maggie OwensComment

Name: Cy

Also present: Harley, his Shih-Tzu

Not Present: His Harley. Baby's in the shop. 

Hometown: Colorado Springs

Favorite Color: Blue. However, he says he feels obligated to say that he likes black.  When we asked him the reason for his allegiance to the color black he said, “have you ever seen a biker wear anything but black?”  

What colors remind you of Colorado?:  Green. Colorado is full of vegetation and nature. Cy says he can see Garden of the Gods from his window so it’s kind of always his backdrop anyway. 

Come On, Lonely Boy.

Maggie OwensComment

Hey there, Colorado Springers. Gossip Girl here — your one and only source into the scandalous lives of the Colorado elite. 

You know the old saying — spring forward, fall back. Well, I don’t know about you, but I think Little Boy Blue should look up from his phone and spring forward for a little conversation. 

Love could be waiting for him just around the corner and I have a feeling it’s red hot. 

You know you love me. 

XOXO,

Gossip Girl

 

Ornithologist Dr. Richard Prum

Maggie OwensComment

If you've been following our trip, you'll know that a while back we visited an ostrich farm in Solvang, California. Because we're a blog focusing on color, we wondered what colors an ostrich could see and what an ostrich's favorite color could be. 

Well, when we reached out to a couple of bird experts, let's just say we were really cock-blocked by the ornithology community. (A cock is a bird). (I wasn't swearing). (Fine, fuck, I meant it in the penis way, whatever). No one responded. Damn you, bird scientists! Just because you study animals that can fly doesn't mean you get to look down on the rest of us! 

Well, our luck has finally changed. Yale's own Dr. Richard Prum graciously (and quite punctually, I must say) responded to our questions. Lesson learned: next time you have a question, ask the guy from Yale. His responses are below. 

Can ostriches see color: 

"Yes, ostrich and all other birds see in color, and they see much BETTER than we do. Birds see in the UV, which is not just beyond blue. This means they see a whole new dimension of colors we cannot imagine like UV-yellow and UV-green. And they have these in their plumages too."

Why do birds see so much better than us?

"Mammals spent >100 million years crawling around in the dark trying to keep from being eaten by dinosaurs. During that time, our ancestors lost the great, complex color visual system that had evolved in fishes. Then Old World monkeys reevolved a sort of retrofit version of color vision, which we have. So, our color vision is basically a secondary hardware patch instead of a well designed system.

Tough for us, but great for birds!"

What is your favorite color:

Oh easy! Blue! Blue in bird feathers and skin is a structural color. That is, it is not made by pigments (basically dyes) like most other colors. It is made by optical scattering of light from nanostructures in the feathers. The size of the structure determines the wavelength. We have spent a lot of work studying the physics, the development, and the evolution of blue colors in birds.”

So we'd like to extend a major thank you to Dr. Richard O. Prum for answering our questions so thoughtfully and proving that people who study birds are people too. And colorful people at that!

Grand Canyon Ron

Maggie OwensComment

Hometown: Citizen of the world / originally from San Diego. 

Occupation: Citizen of the world / bartender at the Grand Canyon. 

Favorite Color: Used to be red because of the Corvette he had as a wild young teen. He totaled that car about three times. His favorite no longer is red. His favorite color is now Xanterra green. He says it's because of the great out-doors but we know it's really because it's the shirt he wears to work / is legally obligated to wear because of his employer Xanterra. Xanterra owns all of the hotels, bars, gift shops and humans inside of every US National Park. I have to stop writing about Xanterra now because I know too much and they'll come after me. 

Life Philosophy: He says every young person should work in resorts and national parks and never settle down. He hopes to see us working behind a bar in Sun Valley or the Grand Tetons in a couple of years. He also said no person, young or old, should ever go to El Paso. We haven't yet been employed by Sun Valley but we did go to El Paso almost immediately after this conversation. Sorry Ron. Sorry Xanterra. 

Fun Fact: Ron was once in the military and was stationed in Germany (specifically the Rhineland). He remembers fondly how easily the Germans would outdrink him and leave him passed out in various fields. He's not an army man any more but now instead fights exclusively in the frontline of the Xanterra New World Order. Please burn after reading.

In this photo, Ron is holding a bottle of wine from Grand Canyon Wineries. The vineyards are not actually in the Grand Canyon (that would be a stupid thing to ask, right? Really? Shut up). They're not in Arizona at all. They're in California. I smell a Xanterra plot fermenting...

In this photo, Ron is holding a bottle of wine from Grand Canyon Wineries. The vineyards are not actually in the Grand Canyon (that would be a stupid thing to ask, right? Really? Shut up). They're not in Arizona at all. They're in California. I smell a Xanterra plot fermenting...

Day 1 And We Already Have Enemies

Color 36Maggie OwensComment

The first impulsive stop on our trip: Solvang, California. We were driving 70 miles an hour down a country road when we passed by a sign with some ostriches on it that read "Feed These Bad Boys." Obviously, we came to a complete halt and risked death to turn into the ostrich farm. Because, if you know us, you know we love bad boys. 

…That was a lie. I secretly check men’s credit scores and refuse to date anyone who has a number lower than 700. If he wears orthopedics, I’m in. He still jams with his A Cappella friends from college? MARRY ME ALREADY.  

A little thing about ostriches: they’re evil. They’ll eat the food right out of your palms and then they’ll go ahead and eat your palms. They’ll leave just enough of you to limp off and warn the others. Let’s just say, if ostriches join the robots, come the revolution, we’re all screwed. Think the Occupy movement but with more plumage.

The sign says "We Like To Bite." 

The sign says "We Like To Bite." 

Oh wait. I forgot this was our color blog and not just my bird burn-book. We found color #36 all over the ostrich farm, from the picnic tables to the benches to the fences.

Blues like this are thought to have a "calming and tranquil effect" on the body. They probably chose to decorate the farm with such a calming blue to distract you from the fact that you’re so dumb and bored, you paid $5 to feed beasts that have a taste for human blood and will become your merciless overlords some day. 

Bonus Fact: You're supposed to avoid blues when cooking and in the kitchen because blue is thought to boost metabolism and suppress appetites. That being said, the ostriches' hunger for human suffering and world domination was very much not suppressed by the blue paint.