PANTOMERICA

Seeking Color In The US

camping

Crème De La Gwyn

Maggie OwensComment

When camping in West Virignia, on a night so dark you can't see your hand in front of your face, fuck ghost stories — tell Goop stories. The three of us decided to collaborate on an collection of work, investigating one of Hollywood's most divisive starlets, Ms. Gwenyth Paltrow. 

Here's what we came up with — the Crème De La Gwyn, if you will:

1. People think Gwenyth is "high-maintenance," but this couldn't be farther from the truth. Look how casual she is with messy hair:

2. She may not be high maintenance, but if you don't remember who won Best Actress in 1998, she'll fucking cut you with a set of Sur La Table knives: 

3. Is there anything more on brand than a portrait of Gwenyth captured on a Whole Foods napkin? 

4. Also, the motto "Goop in the Street, Poop in the Sheets" is absolutely one to live by. 

5. "What's in the box???" a forlorn Brad Pitt asked at the end of Se7en. Gwenyth Paltrow isn't afraid of shit, so she's not afraid to show you:

6. Though, let's not fixate too much on what's in the box. Take a moment to think outside the box (a.k.a Gwyn's hot bod):

7. Somehow, Gwyn is an ex-pat and incredibly "country strong," all at once. How does she do it?

8. Look beyond America and the U.K. Gwyn is an international superstar. Check out this Japanese DVD cover from her 2003 hit "View from the Top": 

9. Think just because Goop has articles on finding the right Italian villa or making a fruit tart, that Gwyneth's soft? Check out her hard-as-nails squad, featuring daughter Apple Martin and delicious drink Apple Martinelli's. 

Gwenyth's poem: 

Think Gwenyth's tame like a Coldplay song?
Because she's Chris Martin's whore?
Well, this bitch ain't yellow, 
she'll make you're life hell, oh
you'll "viva la vida" no more. 

 

Apple Martin's poem:

An apple a day keeps the doctor away
-or at least that's what they say-
but don't go startin'
beef with Ms. Martin
or a doctor will be too little too late.

 

Apple Martinelli's poem:

What? You're not afraid of Martinelli's?
Because it's soda? Because it's pop?
Well, when the gas it sends
comes out from both ends, 
we'll see who comes out on top! 

 

Night Under The Stars

Maggie OwensComment
Squad blowing' up in Joshua Tree. Literally. We had to blow up the newest member of our squad, Flamingo. He was soon after pierced and deflated by the teddybear cactus. RIP homie. 

Squad blowing' up in Joshua Tree. Literally. We had to blow up the newest member of our squad, Flamingo. He was soon after pierced and deflated by the teddybear cactus. RIP homie. 

... So we kind of signed up for a night of camping in Joshua Tree knowing we had a 10 person tent and no instructions on how to assemble it. 

(We actually went tent shopping a couple weeks before this trip and decided an eight-person tent would be our MAX but then we got this 10 person one for free so we decided just to roll with it). Turns out setting up a 16 foot tent with absolutely no guidance at all IS NOT as intuitive as it sounds. 

This meant we had essentially signed up for a night of camping in Joshua Tree with NO tent. Some call it "sleeping under the stars." We thought of it more like "lying in the open desert trying for hours to google which kind of spiders kill you but not really having any reception." 

It was an emotional night. Ceil cried into her veggie tamales. A lizard mounted Maggie, not in a sexual way, but kind of in a dominant prison way all the same. We survived.