Maggie met some mick in New England and apparently our two person tent is now a three person tent.
One big happy family.
It should go without saying that spending six months' worth of nights in various motels can affect your sanity a little bit. I mean, there's only so many episodes of Chopped in this world that you haven't seen. And when the Chopped cup runneth dry, shit gets weird.
How weird, you ask? Like "write a poem about Clive Owen" weird.
Jude Law, in a nude spa,
spots Clive Owen passing through —
he says "don't come in closer, it would make things grosser,
though 'Closer' is where I met you."
... Sorry, sanity. You've been Chopped™.
In Ellsworth, ME, Cecilia, Matt (her boyfriend), Maggie and actor Channing Tatum (her boyfriend) decided to go antiquing at the Big Chicken Barn Books & Antiques. It was such a success, we thought we'd create a user-friendly guide on how to properly antique in Maine. Enjoy, guys!
Step 1. Spot The Difference Between "Crunk" And "Junk"
While NEITHER of these super awesome Beanie Babies actually qualifies as "junk," it is indisputable that Diana, the purple Beanie Baby, is, in industry terms, "crunker." How can you tell how crunk Diana is? She's a Princess Diana-inspired, limited-edition sexy young thing that is "hot to trot."
Now, that's another industry term — "hot to trot." Essentially, if you have any sexual feelings towards your antique, it is what we call "hot to trot." Remember: get consent.
Because she's so damn sexy, TYcollector.com has an on-going Counterfeit Alert for Diana. They commented, "Note: It is possible for a Princess itself to be authentic but to have a counterfeit/replacement ribbon and/or counterfeit swing tag." That brings us to our second point.
2. Know When Something Is Counterfeit
Fortunately for us we are experienced New England Antiquers and we know the difference between a crunk Diana and some junk Diarrhea.
3. Go Into The Antique Shop Knowing What You Want
Listen, not all that glitters is gold. Antiques can't all be flashy-flashy like this Jodie Foster biography. Sometimes, you know you're far more interested in an unauthorized biography of country singer Shania Twain. Sorry, Jody, to quote Twain, "that don't impress me much."
4. ...And What You're Willing To Do To Get It
To quote Shania again, "I'm Gonna Getcha Good!*"
*in reference to the unauthorized biography about herself
5. Last And Least, Have Fun!
I know, I know. Antiquing isn't all fun and games. But, besides that, it's all fun and games! Let your hair down, Channing Tatum. Stop screaming at me when I try to kiss you! It's not my fault you're so hot to trot.
Sorry, off-topic. Anyways, even though your antiques are fragile and expensive, that doesn't mean you can't take them out for a spin and show your new, crunk friends how to party (or, to quote Shania Twain, "party for two!")
From Maine, we sent our favorite rapper / Canadian telenovela star, Drake (or Aubrey Graham), love letters (or Aubrey-Grams). Here's what we came up with:
We parked our car across the street from Cousin Kelly's house in Buffalo, New York. On the way to lunch, we avoided him at all costs. Top be completely honest, he was wearing a wife beater and a fedora and that was enough reason at the time. On the way back to the car we miraculously managed to see through the fedora and saw the 20 foot totem pole he was creating in his front yard.
Profession: Artist/Totem Pole Carver
Race: Algonquin with "white man blood" (Just an FYI for our readers — we seriously, seriously didn't ask him about this).
Favorite Color: Rainbow. He rediscovered his love of the spectrum when he started working on his totems.
Work With Totem Poles: He's been carving them for years. In fact, he even wrote his Graduate thesis on proving that totems are memorials to Lemurian ancestors from the lost continent of Lemuria.
For those who don't know, Lemuria is a fabled lost continent that disappeared from the Pacific Ocean, and is rumored to be the origin of all mankind. Lemuria thrived about 14,000 years ago. This was about the time that Atlantis thrived as well. It is rumored that some Lemurians survived The Great Flood by moving underground. They now take residence on Mount Shasta in California.
According to Cousin Kelly, Lemurians were ancestors to Native American people and they were saved after The Great Flood by "Sasquatch". Wanna know how he proved all of this? Read his goddamn dissertation. This is our blog, not his.
More about Sasquatch: One time, Cousin Kelly set eyes on Big Foot/Sasquatch when he was camping with his Irish Setter in Canada on a trip hunting Lemurians. Big Foot didn't harm his dog, or Cousin Kelly for that matter, because the Sasquatch and the Irish Setter were kindred spirits. Cousin Kelly also couldn't tell whose eyes were whose in the darkness of the night.
More about dogs: One time, Hugh Laurie of "House, M.D." fame, tried to see Cousin Kelly's trick dog to Jodie Foster. If you're confused by this story, sorry to say that we have no additional information to offer you because Cousin Kelly swiftly moved on to the next topic. The next topic was Jodie Foster.
More about Jodie Foster: Jodie Foster and Cousin Kelly are best friends. Jodie always says that he reminds her of Robert "Bobby" De Niro from her first movie, Taxi Driver. If you don't know who Robert De Niro is, he was the guy driving the taxi in that Jodie Foster movie. Cousin Kelly and Jodie Foster love to "roll doobies" at Grace Slick's house on Fulton street in San Francisco. They really are the best of friends.
Every year in Columbus, Ohio the Franklin Park Conservatory and Botanical Garden has an exhibit called "Blooms and Butterflies." Throughout the spring and summer, every afternoon they release newly emerged exotic butterflies into the botanical garden. A butterfly expert introduces each new species to an audience.
Don't get fooled by the name, Slick. There might be some blooms and there might be some butterflies but this ain't your grandma's botanical exhibit. Fuck your grandma. I went to her botanical exhibit last year and it was a load of shit.
The main reason this exhibit was so much more badass than that of your cunt grandma was because of Mr. Butterfly Chris. Just look at this guy. He looks like the kind of guy you don't want to piss off at a bar cuz he'll beat your ass with a pool stick. But really he's the kind of guy who frolics arounds Ohio catching butterflies with a net. The kind of guy your grandma doesn't want to piss off because he makes a delightful high tea guest.
Anyway, enough about your slut grandma, we were lucky enough to interview Butterfly Chris.
Fave Color: Blue followed closely by pink for no reason
Fave Butterfly: None in here, believe it or not. There’s a group of small butterflies called hair streaks and they’re about the size of your thumbnail.
Their color scheme is orange and blue spotting. The most cool thing about them is their bizarre relationship with ants. Hair streak caterpillars become pupa (or, disgusting word warning, pupate) in ant hills and the ants protect them. But once it becomes an actual butterfly it has very little time before the ants turn on it. I think that’s cool.
What’s your favorite color fact about butterflies: The relationship with butterflies and color is best exemplified through the idea of mimicry. Here we are a Pipeline Swallowtail butterfly and it is toxic. It’s neon blue at the edge of its wings. That’s how predators know not to eat it otherwise they will die. But, other edible butterflies what that same color scheme are also saved from predators. Birds learn not to eat that color scheme so color can literally save a butterfly’s life.
It should be noted that we didn't make up the name Butterfly Chris. His friends (and probably your grandma) actually call him Butterfly Chris. Can you imagine being so into your job that it's actually a part of your name? Like "Mattress Salesman Randy Mancini" or "President Barack Obama." I guess that last one isn't that weird.
From Indiana, we sent our favorite rapper / Canadian telenovela star, Drake (or Aubrey Graham), love letters (or Aubrey-Grams). Here's what we came up with:
5 for $5.00. Send them to all your friends. Or send them all to Drake.
Name: Wayne Porter
Profession: Artist. Wayne is a self-taught sculpture artist who works with mostly recycled materials. He makes both small-scale and large-scale sculptures, some getting up to 60 feet tall.
Hometown: Montrose, South Dakota
About His Studio: Wayne’s property in rural South Dakota is now a much visited sculpture park featuring all of his work. Pieces of his that range from a giant, red dragon to a demonic Jack-In-The-Box clown tower over highway 14.
It’s clear Wayne loves living in South Dakota. He was as enthusiastic and excited to show off some of the flora that grew on his property (like bluegrass and sage) as he was showing us a, say, 8 foot statue of a frog dissection. In fact, he gets some complaints from his neighbors about how he doesn’t cut the grass. “Really weird,” he explained. “I love the grass.”
Wayne also lives with his albino dog, Bambino.
How did you get started with sculpture?: “I grew up in a blacksmith shop,” he explains. Wayne’s dad was a blacksmith in St. Lawrence, South Dakota. His first experiment with sculpture design was a small bull, which he still has on the desk in his shop. It’s funny to think years later, he’d own his own studio / property with a 60 foot bull’s head he crafted himself.
What is your process?: Despite the fact that Wayne’s sculptures are often life size or larger, he works with no preconceived plans. He says that he pretty much just flies by the seat of his pants. “I can’t draw them first ‘cause I can’t draw. Can’t even write the idea down ‘cause I can’t read my own handwriting. I just have to go for it.”
On the topic of inspiration, Wayne added “It comes to me at two in the morning and I just let it talk.” This wouldn’t be the last time Wayne anthropomorphized his art by a long shot. Frankly, if you were creating gargantuan figures of flies and goldfish toting umbrellas, you probably would too.
What kind of materials do you use?: Wayne uses everything he can find, including but not limited to old refrigerator parts, cement mixers, soft water tanks, diesel tanks, car rims, and old station wagon parts.
“When I was younger I used a lot more recycled materials ‘cause I was working faster. I would take anything I could find and just start making something with it.” In recent years, Wayne has has taken a slower approach. He spent three years working on the bull's head alone.
Favorite Color: Red. “i don’t know anything about color or art,” he insists. “But like anyone, if I like it I like it. I’ll completely change the colors on a sculpture if I decide I don’t like it.” Red shows up a lot in Wayne’s process. “Rust is the disease of iron,” he says. And if he likes it, he likes it.
What colors remind you of Montrose?: He says that the spectrum of natural colors in the area has changed a lot since he settled on his property 15 years ago. “It’’s hard to find colors here now. The county is disappearing. It used to be 1000 people, now theres 3,900.”
Profession: President of the Official Hobo Nickel Society
Hometown: Somewhere in Florida though he travels around in his van, teaching the country about hobo nickels.
Example Of A Modern Twist: Archie knew one young woman who carved the buffalo on the coin into a buffalo stripper, including its very own stripper pole and heels.
How Did You Get Involved With Hobo Nickels: "My dad started me in Hobos back in 1994 and it was a great 20 years and still will be a great future.”
Your Greatest Moment With Hobo Nickels: He sold one hobo nickel for 24,000.
What Is Your Favorite Color: We’re gonna have to do a direct quote on this one because otherwise you won’t believe us. "My favorite color is whatever croc i have on my right foot and whatever different color i have on left. It makes people smile and talk.” We can’t make this shit up.
Bonus Fact: We won’t mention the specific carrier but Archie’s online handle is HoboChief69. Again, can’t make this shit up.
Fuck Mt. Rushmore. The place to go for all the hotties with actual bodies (forget stone floating heads) is the Presidential Wax Museum in Keystone, SD. That's where we went to go pick up some dudes to see about getting some presidential D.
Tessa wasn't overly excited (or as overly excited as we were) and we could hear faint complaints about white, sexist imperialist history coming from her as we ran into the shop. We were all "History? What is his-story? Is he single? Did he ask about me?" (Insert your Millard Fill-More-Condoms joke here).
It should be noted that Ceil, as we are writing this, thought Millard Fillmore's first name was Grover and she said "I don't know any of their names. I was too busy sucking dick in the locker room in high school." It should also be noted we went to an all-girls Catholic high school.
So while Tessa was grumbling in the gift shop, we cruised the strip to check out all of the executive hotties that the White House (1600 PEENsylvania, Washington DC) had to offer.
Boxer or brief, commander in chief? The people need to know!
Wanna cuddle, Teddy Bear?
Sun's out, guns out.
And, honestly, look at our competition. We got this in the bag:
Jackie looks like Josh Brolin had a baby with Josh Brolin.
Eh.. honestly, these guys were too stiff (but not in the good way), so we got bored and eventually it turned into this:
In conclusion, we should inform you that Tessa was, in fact, the only person to get a real human's phone number.
His name was Joey and, while we don't know what his favorite color is, we do know his favorite president is Warren G. Harding because he was a "mac-daddy." Here is photo proof:
Tess did it the old-fashioned "flirting" way. But, you know what we think? Well-behaved women rarely get to make out with history.
Well, guys, we made it to Mt. Rushmore. It was a long hike to the top. Maggie complained the whole way. Ceil ran the whole thing, carrying tess on her back. It was all worth it because when we got to the crest we asked each president what their favorite color was.*
*this post was written by Ceil
Did you know George Washington's favorite shade of red is "Englishman's Blood" AKA "Black Pudding?"
George Washington also apparently liked green.
Thomas Jefferson apparently adored the color blue, almost as much as he adored his own appearance. If you check out his portrait below, you'll see why:
He looks like Meryl Streep had a baby with Meryl Streep? Or maybe just a Caucasian troll doll? Either way, I'm DTF.
Apparently, so is this chick:
Though it is popular thought that Thomas Jefferson liked blue because of his eye color, this one random bitch believes his favorite colors were actually yellow and green because she forgets why.
Acclaimed historian "MyGirl2000" confirms that Abraham Lincoln's favorite color was blue.
MyGirl2000 also confirmed that Lincoln loved seafood and was male and not, in fact, Meryl Streep.
An actual shade of blue was named after Theodore Roosevelt's daughter Alice's favorite shade.
The people have spoken! The Community has confirmed that Theodore Roosevelt's favorite color was DEFINITELY orange. Bully!
Hey Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln and Roosevelt! You know what the CORRECT answer was to the question? MERYL FUCKING STREEP DOES.
AND THAT'S AMERICA, BABY.
We were leaving Yellowstone when we drove through the town of Dubois, Wyoming. We saw a roadside sign for a taxidermy shop.
What we thought would be a gruesome adventure into Wyoming mountain life turned out to be quite the opposite. Instead of finding gross shit we found Joe. Joe is hot. And actually there was a lot of gross shit but joe was really hot so we kind of didn’t notice. Maybe he was skinning a mountain goat before our eyes. We didn’t really know what was going on.
Tessa was so smitten by him that she forgot that she hates guns. In fact, she thinks their perfect for each other and they’d be able to, in her words, “work it out as opposites.”
While he rifled through the pages of his taxidermy catalog, showing us false deer and moose eyes he would order and later shove into the skull of so me dead animal, our eyes were fixed on his. In fact, our eyes probably looked as googly as the fakes ones in the catalog did.
Each of us stood in his sexy little murder den fantasizing about him being her boyfriend. Like, maybe he’d send me flowers or win me a big stuffed bear at a carnival. Except, I guess, in his fantasy, it would be a bear that he shot, dragged back to his workshop, skinned and stuffed himself. Swoon!
Long story short, our pictures of him are blurry. A girl can’t be expected to focus her lens or her mind with such a foxy fox-murderer around? Did we just take women back 50 years? Somebody shoot me. Joe?
Hometown: Dubois, Wy
Profession: Taxidermist. Being an avid hunter, Joe originally got into taxidermy because he couldn’t afford a taxidermist. He started as an amateur and then began going to taxidermy shows around the area. After a series of white ribbon awards he decided he needed to improve. Joe is now the owner of Windy Mountain Taxidermy in Dubois, and his shop is filled with expertly stuffed animals.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve stuffed?: “I’ve done a monkey for a zoo.” Joe has also stuffed pythons for zoos.
Craziest thing in the shop: Buffalo penis that he turned into a walking cane. Probably not the biggest in the room, am I right, Joe?
Fave Color: Green, like a plant green. The kind of green you hide in when you see a bear. (Joe has, in fact, faced a bear. Joe is incredibly nonchalant about this fact).
Name of your hunting dog: La Dee Da(😍😍🔫🐕🔫😍😍). Must Love Dogs? Check! Must Kill Elk? Check!
Name: Dan Thiel
Hometown: Cheyenne, Wyoming
Profession: Owner and Operator of Terry Bison Ranch
Mission: “We try to give people a little flavor of the whole west.” Dan stresses wholesome family fun and entertainment. He and his family, who all work together at the ranch, have set up a train tour, horseback riding excursions, and ATV’s all as different ways to get people excited about exploring what the West has to offer.
About the Bison: There are 2500 bison at the ranch, roaming across 27.500 acres. Dan loves getting to take people out to get up close and personal with the animal that played such an important role in the history of the region.
What colors remind you of Wyoming: “Really you have your two colors. Summer green and winter dormant brown.” Dan is originally from North Dakota, and says that when he same out to Wyoming at 15, he noticed how green everything was. “Every state has its magical parts,” he says. “We like to think we’re a part of the magic here in Wyoming.”
Favorite color: Red, particularly the color of his red pickup truck. Dan’s father was in construction. He built big steel electric lines that were used for the Hoover Dam. The company color was red. “All the trucks were red. Uniformity was important for the corporate theme.” Today at Terry Bison Ranch all the machinery is painted Red, White, and Blue.
Name: John Clayton Mayer ("John Mayer" for short)
Favorite Color: Not Applicable.
Also present: Harley, his Shih-Tzu
Not Present: His Harley. Baby's in the shop.
Hometown: Colorado Springs
Favorite Color: Blue. However, he says he feels obligated to say that he likes black. When we asked him the reason for his allegiance to the color black he said, “have you ever seen a biker wear anything but black?”
What colors remind you of Colorado?: Green. Colorado is full of vegetation and nature. Cy says he can see Garden of the Gods from his window so it’s kind of always his backdrop anyway.
Hey there, Colorado Springers. Gossip Girl here — your one and only source into the scandalous lives of the Colorado elite.
You know the old saying — spring forward, fall back. Well, I don’t know about you, but I think Little Boy Blue should look up from his phone and spring forward for a little conversation.
Love could be waiting for him just around the corner and I have a feeling it’s red hot.
You know you love me.
Name: Carl (or Uncle Carl, if you’re a Coyne girl)
Hometown: San Juan Pueblo. Carl is actually Danish, but moved to New Mexico to buy land a raise a family. His land is a small, community oriented Native American Pueblo in between Santa Fe and Taos, right along the Rio Grand. Carl is friendly with all of his neighbors, and unfriendly with all two billion mosquitos that live along the river.
About His Home: He Built it himself. We were fortunate enough to get a chance to stay in the home that he built himself. It's been featured in several architectural and interior design magazines because it's nothing short of perfect. It also uses adobe, natural lighting, and solar panels to create an energy efficient dream home. In recent years he’s added the plumbing, though the outhouse in back is still functional for the adventurous.
His place is exactly what you would expect from a Nordic hippie. It’s colorful and beautiful, made with many natural and recycled elements, yet structurally impeccable and precise down to every detail. If your’e going to build a hippie dream home in rural New Mexico, you have to build it right.
Most important feature of his home: The enormous dragon spine that provides the structural backbone for the entire house. Yep, duh, there is literally a giant wooden dragon sculpture running across the ceiling with the majestic head jutting out the door outside. Before even exchanging hello's and how-are-you's, Carl will make sure you've seen the dragon. He even calls his home "the Dragon House."
The second most important feature of the house: Carl’s “Everybody Loves A Dane” coffee mug.
Favorite color: Burnt orange. He pointed to several of his Pendleton blankets as an example (omg we get it, Carl, you’re chic and you live in the Southwest). He also pointed to the mountain range out his window (oh yah, Carl is also slumming it with a super-gorgeous view of the Sangre de Cristo mountains).
He said in the autumn, the sun sets behind the mountains and turns them to a fiery red-orange. That’s even how they got their name (Spanish for Blood of Christ). In fact, the way the sun illuminates mountains leads to a lot of mountain range’s names in this region, including Albuquerque’s Sandias, which means watermelon.