So, as you guys might remember, our antique 1990's Beanie Babies are very hot to trot / sexual. This was confirmed when we opened the swing tags (industry term) attached to their ears.
Most millennials will remember that each authentic Beanie Baby came with its own "get-to-know-me" poem. Well, we were just flabbergasted to read what Poopsie and Diana had to say for themselves. This is some real NSFW (not safe for work), NSFV (not safe for virgins), NSFPNLJS (not safe for pre-Nick-Lachey Jessica Simpson) and NSFY (not safe for you) stuff.
In Ellsworth, ME, Cecilia, Matt (her boyfriend), Maggie and actor Channing Tatum (her boyfriend) decided to go antiquing at the Big Chicken Barn Books & Antiques. It was such a success, we thought we'd create a user-friendly guide on how to properly antique in Maine. Enjoy, guys!
Step 1. Spot The Difference Between "Crunk" And "Junk"
While NEITHER of these super awesome Beanie Babies actually qualifies as "junk," it is indisputable that Diana, the purple Beanie Baby, is, in industry terms, "crunker." How can you tell how crunk Diana is? She's a Princess Diana-inspired, limited-edition sexy young thing that is "hot to trot."
Now, that's another industry term — "hot to trot." Essentially, if you have any sexual feelings towards your antique, it is what we call "hot to trot." Remember: get consent.
Because she's so damn sexy, TYcollector.com has an on-going Counterfeit Alert for Diana. They commented, "Note: It is possible for a Princess itself to be authentic but to have a counterfeit/replacement ribbon and/or counterfeit swing tag." That brings us to our second point.
2. Know When Something Is Counterfeit
Fortunately for us we are experienced New England Antiquers and we know the difference between a crunk Diana and some junk Diarrhea.
3. Go Into The Antique Shop Knowing What You Want
Listen, not all that glitters is gold. Antiques can't all be flashy-flashy like this Jodie Foster biography. Sometimes, you know you're far more interested in an unauthorized biography of country singer Shania Twain. Sorry, Jody, to quote Twain, "that don't impress me much."
4. ...And What You're Willing To Do To Get It
To quote Shania again, "I'm Gonna Getcha Good!*"
*in reference to the unauthorized biography about herself
5. Last And Least, Have Fun!
I know, I know. Antiquing isn't all fun and games. But, besides that, it's all fun and games! Let your hair down, Channing Tatum. Stop screaming at me when I try to kiss you! It's not my fault you're so hot to trot.
Sorry, off-topic. Anyways, even though your antiques are fragile and expensive, that doesn't mean you can't take them out for a spin and show your new, crunk friends how to party (or, to quote Shania Twain, "party for two!")