Rachel knew she was taking a risk joining us for a leg of the road trip, but no one could have predicted this. When we rolled into the Microtel (a mini motel) in Raleigh, we were rolling into a murder zone.
Tucked away in the hills of West Virginia, we found New Vrindaban — a spiritual site for the Hare Krishna community. Nearly reaching Willy-Wonkian proportions, the grounds included a man-made body of water, gargantuan statues, an award-winning rose garden and a golden palace that would make even Kanye West blush. It was stunning (and honestly unexpected for something neighboring a town called Moundsville).
Perhaps the most surprising discovery we found at New Vrindaban came at Prasadam, or the lunch-time food offering. We shared picnic tables with guests and New Vrindaban residents alike and, over a free, vegetarian meal, heard something we truly hadn't expected: gossip.
As three recipients of an all-girls education, we know gossip when we hear it. And the women we shared the picnic table with, who all lived and worked on the New Vrindaban grounds, were most definitely gossiping. They gabbed over sweet potatoes (maybe?) and pea shoots (honestly, the vegetables were mushed to oblivion, but still delicious) about the who's who of New Vrindaban.
We felt restored and in the know. But, much like mushed vegetables, we felt immediately hungry again — hungry for more gossip. Here's what we came up with — our Burn Book (Hare Krishna Edition).
Rumor has it that the blonde streak in Rachel's hair isn't natural. *Cough Cough* Dye Job *Cough Cough.*
Cool floral crown, Swan. Let me guess — you got the inspiration at Coachella while taking pictures of yourself? Do you even listen to Edward Sharpe — like really listen, I mean? I challenge you to step outside your comfort zone and show some real creativity. Why not turn the tables and wear a dress shaped like Bjork? Do something original!
These two claim to be a dynamic duo, but look at the way they're competing for attention —waving their hands in the air like it's the early 90's. BFFL doesn't stand for Bathing in your Friend's Fucking Limelight. Okay, ladies?
Actually, these girls were pretty legit.
When camping in West Virignia, on a night so dark you can't see your hand in front of your face, fuck ghost stories — tell Goop stories. The three of us decided to collaborate on an collection of work, investigating one of Hollywood's most divisive starlets, Ms. Gwenyth Paltrow.
Here's what we came up with — the Crème De La Gwyn, if you will:
1. People think Gwenyth is "high-maintenance," but this couldn't be farther from the truth. Look how casual she is with messy hair:
2. She may not be high maintenance, but if you don't remember who won Best Actress in 1998, she'll fucking cut you with a set of Sur La Table knives:
3. Is there anything more on brand than a portrait of Gwenyth captured on a Whole Foods napkin?
4. Also, the motto "Goop in the Street, Poop in the Sheets" is absolutely one to live by.
5. "What's in the box???" a forlorn Brad Pitt asked at the end of Se7en. Gwenyth Paltrow isn't afraid of shit, so she's not afraid to show you:
6. Though, let's not fixate too much on what's in the box. Take a moment to think outside the box (a.k.a Gwyn's hot bod):
7. Somehow, Gwyn is an ex-pat and incredibly "country strong," all at once. How does she do it?
8. Look beyond America and the U.K. Gwyn is an international superstar. Check out this Japanese DVD cover from her 2003 hit "View from the Top":
9. Think just because Goop has articles on finding the right Italian villa or making a fruit tart, that Gwyneth's soft? Check out her hard-as-nails squad, featuring daughter Apple Martin and delicious drink Apple Martinelli's.
Think Gwenyth's tame like a Coldplay song?
Because she's Chris Martin's whore?
Well, this bitch ain't yellow,
she'll make you're life hell, oh
you'll "viva la vida" no more.
Apple Martin's poem:
An apple a day keeps the doctor away
-or at least that's what they say-
but don't go startin'
beef with Ms. Martin
or a doctor will be too little too late.
Apple Martinelli's poem:
What? You're not afraid of Martinelli's?
Because it's soda? Because it's pop?
Well, when the gas it sends
comes out from both ends,
we'll see who comes out on top!