Our journey to the eastern border of Wyoming was an arduous one. It took a full six hours across what Ceil called "Bleaksville, Nothingz County." (Please note: Ceil absolutely cracks herself up when she says this. Her game-changing jokes like this are what makes a six hour journey feel like only a five and three quarters one).
Why such a long journey? We were on our way to see Devil's Tower.
In the 11th hour, someone, I won't name names but it rhymes with Tessa, asked, "How long are we really going to look at a rock for?"
Outraged, Cecilia and Maggie quickly fired back at Rhymes-With-Tessa, saying things like "it's not about the destination; it's about the journey!" and "Live a little! When are you ever going to return to Bleaksville, Nothingz County?!"
We even told her that in addition to its being a total geological anomoly and a sacred ground for several planes tribes including the Dakota and Cheyenne, "this rock muthafucka is the muthafucking rock in 'Close Encounters of the Third Kind." None of us has actually seen this movie but, one day, Netflix might add it to its streaming catalog and that would be very, very important to us.
So we looked at the rock.
We really, really looked at it.
But somehow, Ceil ended up in a child's sized swimsuit and we ended up just taking pictures of ourselves per usual.
Because I (Maggie) made fun of Ceil's sense of humor earlier in this post, Ceil says I have to finish this by giving her a compliment and, according to her, "it can’t be how good I look in a child’s bathing suit." You know what I have to say? She's got the heart and courage of a lion.
We were leaving Yellowstone when we drove through the town of Dubois, Wyoming. We saw a roadside sign for a taxidermy shop.
What we thought would be a gruesome adventure into Wyoming mountain life turned out to be quite the opposite. Instead of finding gross shit we found Joe. Joe is hot. And actually there was a lot of gross shit but joe was really hot so we kind of didn’t notice. Maybe he was skinning a mountain goat before our eyes. We didn’t really know what was going on.
Tessa was so smitten by him that she forgot that she hates guns. In fact, she thinks their perfect for each other and they’d be able to, in her words, “work it out as opposites.”
While he rifled through the pages of his taxidermy catalog, showing us false deer and moose eyes he would order and later shove into the skull of so me dead animal, our eyes were fixed on his. In fact, our eyes probably looked as googly as the fakes ones in the catalog did.
Each of us stood in his sexy little murder den fantasizing about him being her boyfriend. Like, maybe he’d send me flowers or win me a big stuffed bear at a carnival. Except, I guess, in his fantasy, it would be a bear that he shot, dragged back to his workshop, skinned and stuffed himself. Swoon!
Long story short, our pictures of him are blurry. A girl can’t be expected to focus her lens or her mind with such a foxy fox-murderer around? Did we just take women back 50 years? Somebody shoot me. Joe?
Hometown: Dubois, Wy
Profession: Taxidermist. Being an avid hunter, Joe originally got into taxidermy because he couldn’t afford a taxidermist. He started as an amateur and then began going to taxidermy shows around the area. After a series of white ribbon awards he decided he needed to improve. Joe is now the owner of Windy Mountain Taxidermy in Dubois, and his shop is filled with expertly stuffed animals.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve stuffed?: “I’ve done a monkey for a zoo.” Joe has also stuffed pythons for zoos.
Craziest thing in the shop: Buffalo penis that he turned into a walking cane. Probably not the biggest in the room, am I right, Joe?
Fave Color: Green, like a plant green. The kind of green you hide in when you see a bear. (Joe has, in fact, faced a bear. Joe is incredibly nonchalant about this fact).
Name of your hunting dog: La Dee Da(😍😍🔫🐕🔫😍😍). Must Love Dogs? Check! Must Kill Elk? Check!
We decided to ignore it until it went away, which always works.
First things first, the stones at Yellowstone aren't yellow. The whole park is named after the yellow limestone found more than 100 miles outside the park. As professional color bloggers, it's our professional opinion that this is, as we say, "fucking bullshit." (That's an industry term. Sorry if it gets confusing when we "talk shop." We'll try to keep it simple).
Upon finding out that no stones would be yellow, Maggie killed herself a couple of times and insisted we do a whole "Tuesday's With Morrie" schtick. She meant to say "Weekend At Bernie's" and was greatly confused when Ceil started speaking to her like the dying professor in Mitch Albom's novel.
We'd also like to mention that "Tuesdays With Morrie" is the worst book ever written or, in professional terminology, "emotional sewer swill." (There we go talking' shop again. Our bad!)
I guess there were some other pretty cool things to see in Yellowstone apart from fabled yellow limestone. Mostly, 3,468 square miles of pristine American beauty.
The geysers are perhaps Yellowstone’s most surprising and stunning feature. They appear prismatic and range from orange, yellow, green to blue. What creates their orange and green colors are living, pigmented microbes. The blue is refracted sunlight. The whole combination looks like Mother Nature’s mood ring (that bitch knows how to accessorize). It’s kind of amazing how many magic tricks nature has for you to see once you put down your shitty Mitch Albom novel!
One last gift from Moody Mother Nature? The bison. We were too Tumblr-obssessed / self-obsessed (same thing, no?) to come face to face with real bison at the bison ranch we paid to stay at so we thought we missed our chance entirely. Well look who we found:
On a personal Bucket-List level, this was phenomenol. On a color-blog level, this was a dull shitty brown (last time we speak so technically, I swear). Come on, Bison, do your part.
You know what we say to this bison?
“Accept who you are and revel in it”.
-From Snoozedays With Snorrie by Bitch Albom
Name: Dan Thiel
Hometown: Cheyenne, Wyoming
Profession: Owner and Operator of Terry Bison Ranch
Mission: “We try to give people a little flavor of the whole west.” Dan stresses wholesome family fun and entertainment. He and his family, who all work together at the ranch, have set up a train tour, horseback riding excursions, and ATV’s all as different ways to get people excited about exploring what the West has to offer.
About the Bison: There are 2500 bison at the ranch, roaming across 27.500 acres. Dan loves getting to take people out to get up close and personal with the animal that played such an important role in the history of the region.
What colors remind you of Wyoming: “Really you have your two colors. Summer green and winter dormant brown.” Dan is originally from North Dakota, and says that when he same out to Wyoming at 15, he noticed how green everything was. “Every state has its magical parts,” he says. “We like to think we’re a part of the magic here in Wyoming.”
Favorite color: Red, particularly the color of his red pickup truck. Dan’s father was in construction. He built big steel electric lines that were used for the Hoover Dam. The company color was red. “All the trucks were red. Uniformity was important for the corporate theme.” Today at Terry Bison Ranch all the machinery is painted Red, White, and Blue.
Our first night in Wyoming was spent at Terry Bison Ranch, a 27,500 acre property with its very own herd of bison.
Here we found a 7 foot statue of a jackalope, a mock jail and a saloon where people smoke in-doors over a full plate of food. Goodbye Southwest — we’re in the Wild West now.
The official credo here is “At the Terry Bison Ranch, Guests, Employees and Animals are #1. This begs the question, who ranks at #2?
At TBR, you can take a 2 hour train tour, a self-guided ATV tour or even a horseback-riding tour to explore the grounds and come face-to-face with a real American bison. Or, if you’re self-obsessed and poor, you can just walk around taking pictures of yourselves like we did.
If you get a hankering for breakfast food / eat breakfast at noon when you’re all to hungry and irritable to even speak to each other, you can do what we did and eat rocky mountain oysters in the saloon. Nothing like putting out a cigarette and finishing your bull testicles.
By the way, if you didn't realize the title of this blog post is a lyric from Will Smith's "Wild, Wild West,"No you don't want nada, None of this, gun in this, brother running this."