PANTOMERICA

Seeking Color In The US

New York

Cousin Kelly

Maggie OwensComment

We parked our car across the street from Cousin Kelly's house in Buffalo, New York.  On the way to lunch, we avoided him at all costs.  Top be completely honest, he was wearing a wife beater and a fedora and that was enough reason at the time.  On the way back to the car we miraculously managed to see through the fedora and saw the 20 foot totem pole he was creating in his front yard.  

Just look at this Daddy-O.  He's as cool as saying "Daddy-O". 

Just look at this Daddy-O.  He's as cool as saying "Daddy-O". 

Profession: Artist/Totem Pole Carver

Race: Algonquin with "white man blood" (Just an FYI for our readers — we seriously, seriously didn't ask him about this).  

Favorite Color: Rainbow.  He rediscovered his love of the spectrum when he started working on his totems.  

Work With Totem Poles: He's been carving them for years.  In fact, he even wrote his Graduate thesis on proving that totems are memorials to Lemurian ancestors from the lost continent of Lemuria.  

For those who don't know, Lemuria is a fabled lost continent that disappeared from the Pacific Ocean, and is rumored to be the origin of all mankind.  Lemuria thrived about 14,000 years ago.  This was about the time that Atlantis thrived as well.  It is rumored that some Lemurians survived The Great Flood by moving underground.   They now take residence on Mount Shasta in California.  

 

According to Cousin Kelly, Lemurians were ancestors to Native American people and they were saved after The Great Flood by "Sasquatch".  Wanna know how he proved all of this?  Read his goddamn dissertation.  This is our blog, not his.  

This is Cousin Kelly describing to us the migration patterns of the survivors of Lemuria.  

This is Cousin Kelly describing to us the migration patterns of the survivors of Lemuria.  

More about Sasquatch: One time, Cousin Kelly set eyes on Big Foot/Sasquatch when he was camping with his Irish Setter in Canada on a trip hunting Lemurians.  Big Foot didn't harm his dog, or Cousin Kelly for that matter, because the Sasquatch and the Irish Setter were kindred spirits.  Cousin Kelly also couldn't tell whose eyes were whose in the darkness of the night.  

From where we're standing, wild things go to Buffalo to carve totem pole.  

From where we're standing, wild things go to Buffalo to carve totem pole.  

More about dogs:  One time, Hugh Laurie of "House, M.D." fame, tried to see Cousin Kelly's trick dog to Jodie Foster.  If you're confused by this story, sorry to say that we have no additional information to offer you because Cousin Kelly swiftly moved on to the next topic.  The next topic was Jodie Foster.  

More about Jodie Foster:  Jodie Foster and Cousin Kelly are best friends.  Jodie always says that he reminds her of Robert "Bobby" De Niro from her first movie, Taxi Driver.  If you don't know who Robert De Niro is, he was the guy driving the taxi in that Jodie Foster movie.  Cousin Kelly and Jodie Foster love to "roll doobies"  at Grace Slick's house on Fulton street in San Francisco.  They really are the best of friends.  

Cousin Kelly's current dog and second best friend after Jodie Foster.  Stay the fuck away from him High Laurie.  

Cousin Kelly's current dog and second best friend after Jodie Foster.  Stay the fuck away from him High Laurie.  

Road Burn

Maggie OwensComment

What are two girls to do when they're in the car for 8 hours and they've listened to all of Rob Thomas' "new stuff?"

Should they talk to each other? Keep their eyes on the road? Listen to Rob Thomas' "not-so-new stuff?" Hell no. It's time to stop bickering at each other and turn on the other drivers of the road. We present to you, with pride, our 1-90 burn book!

Red and white car, little Ms. Candy Cane? More like Red, White and Bitch. Get a real job. 

Ooooo, cool apple sticker. What's your operating system, iSuck? Cuz you do. You suck. Go cry to the cloud about it. Get a real job, Steve Jobs. 

Where you going'? Get some real sleeves. 

Single white female. You look like my freshman year biology teacher Ms. Kendall. Are you my freshman year biology teacher Ms. Kendall? If not, take off those shades. You are no Ms. Kendall!

Who you texting, your parole officer, you fucking criminal? You're breaking the law! You're putting us, Ms. Kendall and Rob Thomas in danger! 

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Oooo, what do we have here? Look at you, Ms. Thing. Driving with both hands on the wheel. Ten and two, am I right? Shawty, you a TEN and we're the TWO single white females to your left. Va va voom.

... Not really a burn. 

This guy hasn't seen any road head since that mustache was in style. Burn, baby, burn. 

This guy's probably seen a little too much road head since that mustache was in style. 

Hey Rob Thomas! Your not-so-new stuff isn't as good as your new stuff! BURN!