PANTOMERICA

Seeking Color In The US

National Park

Who Wore It Best? in Shenandoah National Park

Maggie OwensComment

Not everyone can pull off the bare-ass look in public, both fashion-wise and legally speaking.

But if this deer and Ceil know one thing between the two of them, its that when Noted Fashion Photographer Maggie "Nigel Barker" Owens wants to take a picture of your butt with a DSLR camera named R.Kelly*, you make it work!

*The fact that our road trip camera is nick-named R.Kelly, and the perverse nature of these photographs are purely coincidence.   

Day at the Park with Baby

Maggie OwensComment

Being the only National Park on the East Coast, Acadia in Maine is popular destination for family outings.  The park is a beautiful coastal forest that is fun for both the old and young.  That's why we decided to bring the whole gang out for this day trip, including the youngest member of our crew that had been lovingly stuffed in the trunk since out antiquing adventure.  Meet baby:  

Bad Blood National Park

Color 9, Color 10, Color 48, Color 16, Color 50, Color 6Maggie OwensComment

We were in the most beautiful place in South Dakota: The Badlands National Park.  It was stunning. Everything was cloaked in a soft yellow light. Deer were prancing around. Honest to God, it was a God-Damn Lana Del Rey music video. Honestly to Lana Del Rey, it was godly. It was hard to take our eyes off of it. 

THANK GOD / LANA DEL REY CUZ WE SURE AS SHIT WEREN'T GONNA LOOK AT EACH OTHER. 

...See, none of us remembers why now but we were all in a fight. Tess vs. Maggie, Maggie vs. Ceil, Ceil vs. Tess. It came to a fever pitch when we shared an appetizer trio at the local bar right outside the park. 

We pretty much ate our microwaved appetizers in silence and, I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a T.G.I. Friday's commercial, but that is no fucking way to eat appetizers. Do you know how awful it is to bite into a mozzarella stick that still is frozen in the center and have to silently chew it because you’re friends  are being equally as icy?! IT’S TORTURE!

We got back to the camp just in time for the most beautiful sunset we've ever seen.

Jesus! Pop a Midol, Mother Nature! I'm trying to be passive aggressive towards my friends which is really hard to do with such aggressive beauty in my face.

"Hell is other people," she thought. "Hell is other people and uncooked mozzarella sticks."

"Hell is other people," she thought. "Hell is other people and uncooked mozzarella sticks."

"I'm a sad girl / I'm a sad girl" - lyrics from the Lana Del Rey Song "Sad Girl"

"I'm a sad girl / I'm a sad girl" - lyrics from the Lana Del Rey Song "Sad Girl"

We ended up all separating. I won't say who did what exactly but one of us went for a hike, one of us ran off with some cute Israeli boys with man-buns to listen to music and drink whiskey and one of us wandered around looking for enough cell service to look up if there was an ACTUAL T.G.I Friday's around. (PS: if you're wandering around the Badlands and you see a mirage of a Friday's, is it technically called a CGI Friday's? Can someone get Michael Bay on this? He owes me one. He'll know what I'm talking about).

In all honesty, The Bad Blood National Park was so spectacular and vibrant, it's something everyone should see in their lifetime, no matter how stubborn and pig-headed their loved ones are. 

In the end, we all made up and THIS IS NOT A STOCK IMAGE I SWEAR.

Yellowstone

Color 27, Color 11, Color 19, Color 15, Color 24Maggie OwensComment

First things first, the stones at Yellowstone aren't yellow. The whole park is named after the yellow limestone found more than 100 miles outside the park. As professional color bloggers, it's our professional opinion that this is, as we say, "fucking bullshit." (That's an industry term. Sorry if it gets confusing when we "talk shop." We'll try to keep it simple). 

Upon finding out that no stones would be yellow, Maggie killed herself a couple of times and insisted we do a whole "Tuesday's With Morrie" schtick. She meant to say "Weekend At Bernie's" and was greatly confused when Ceil started speaking to her like the dying professor in Mitch Albom's novel. 

Oh God how did this happen?!

Oh God how did this happen?!

What caused this tragedy!!?? Was it average colored rock formations?  Or was it it the banal prose of Mitch Albom's most successful novel? 

What caused this tragedy!!?? Was it average colored rock formations?  Or was it it the banal prose of Mitch Albom's most successful novel? 

We'd also like to mention that "Tuesdays With Morrie" is the worst book ever written or, in professional terminology, "emotional sewer swill." (There we go talking' shop again. Our bad!)

Trying to drown ourselves amidst the natural splendor of grey stones. GREY! What the FUCK! But, no, for real, guys, there's only one official place you're allowed to swim in Yellowstone and this wasn't it. Imagine the looks we got. 

Trying to drown ourselves amidst the natural splendor of grey stones. GREY! What the FUCK! But, no, for real, guys, there's only one official place you're allowed to swim in Yellowstone and this wasn't it. Imagine the looks we got. 

I guess there were some other pretty cool things to see in Yellowstone apart from fabled yellow limestone.  Mostly, 3,468 square miles of pristine American beauty.  

The geysers are perhaps Yellowstone’s most surprising and stunning feature. They appear prismatic and range from orange, yellow, green to blue. What creates their orange and green colors are living, pigmented microbes. The blue is refracted sunlight. The whole combination looks like Mother Nature’s mood ring (that bitch knows how to accessorize). It’s kind of amazing how many magic tricks nature has for you to see once you put down your shitty Mitch Albom novel!

One last gift from Moody Mother Nature? The bison. We were too Tumblr-obssessed / self-obsessed (same thing, no?) to come face to face with real bison at the bison ranch we paid to stay at so we thought we missed our chance entirely. Well look who we found: 

On a personal Bucket-List level, this was phenomenol. On a color-blog level, this was a dull shitty brown (last time we speak so technically, I swear). Come on, Bison, do your part. 

You know what we say to this bison?

 “Accept who you are and revel in it”.  

-From Snoozedays With Snorrie by Bitch Albom 

Grand Canyon Ron

Maggie OwensComment

Hometown: Citizen of the world / originally from San Diego. 

Occupation: Citizen of the world / bartender at the Grand Canyon. 

Favorite Color: Used to be red because of the Corvette he had as a wild young teen. He totaled that car about three times. His favorite no longer is red. His favorite color is now Xanterra green. He says it's because of the great out-doors but we know it's really because it's the shirt he wears to work / is legally obligated to wear because of his employer Xanterra. Xanterra owns all of the hotels, bars, gift shops and humans inside of every US National Park. I have to stop writing about Xanterra now because I know too much and they'll come after me. 

Life Philosophy: He says every young person should work in resorts and national parks and never settle down. He hopes to see us working behind a bar in Sun Valley or the Grand Tetons in a couple of years. He also said no person, young or old, should ever go to El Paso. We haven't yet been employed by Sun Valley but we did go to El Paso almost immediately after this conversation. Sorry Ron. Sorry Xanterra. 

Fun Fact: Ron was once in the military and was stationed in Germany (specifically the Rhineland). He remembers fondly how easily the Germans would outdrink him and leave him passed out in various fields. He's not an army man any more but now instead fights exclusively in the frontline of the Xanterra New World Order. Please burn after reading.

In this photo, Ron is holding a bottle of wine from Grand Canyon Wineries. The vineyards are not actually in the Grand Canyon (that would be a stupid thing to ask, right? Really? Shut up). They're not in Arizona at all. They're in California. I smell a Xanterra plot fermenting...

In this photo, Ron is holding a bottle of wine from Grand Canyon Wineries. The vineyards are not actually in the Grand Canyon (that would be a stupid thing to ask, right? Really? Shut up). They're not in Arizona at all. They're in California. I smell a Xanterra plot fermenting...

Grand Canyon

Color 6, Color 49, Color 14, Color 10, Color 9Maggie OwensComment

So we took Pug-A-Boo to the cutest dog park in Arizona. The locals call it the grand canyon (probably because it’s such a grand place to walk your balloon pug!). 

It’s a weird feeling when you’re writing a blog but you still can hear no one laughing at your own jokes. Fine, douchebags, it’s the Grand Canyon and, while we’re on the subject, pets technically aren’t allowed. (But we brought Pug-A-Boo anyway).

This place is friction’ crazy. People should really talk about it. 

Well, at least Jorbi P. is talking about it. 

Well, at least Jorbi P. is talking about it. 

Anyways, as you can imagine, the colors here are bonkers. Ceil would like to note that “they rock.” Get it, because of the rocks? Maggie would like to note that she’s going to effing kill herself. Get it, because of the rock joke Ceil made? 

With so many different layers deep within the canyon, and so many different shadows depending on the time of day, there’s no real limit to the colors you’ll find here.

The most striking, and famous, is a level called the Redwall Limestone. It’s what gives the grand canyon its notorious orange-red color because of the iron-oxide in the sediment. Iron is behind a lot of things that are famous for being red. 

PS: if god poops in the grand canyon, do we call it the Iron Throne? Let’s move on. 

PS: if god poops in the grand canyon, do we call it the Iron Throne? Let’s move on. 

We actually hiked pretty far down into the canyon. We wanted to see the color gradation for ourselves. We got pretty far and it was spectacular. BUT THEN an old, old man (think Jafar’s disguise in the beginning of Aladdin) who “volunteers” for the park told us we had “probably gone too far and it was too late in the day and we better turn around.” No joke, guys, it was like 2:30 in the afternoon. This guy was batshit. But he got into our heads and we turned around before we had planned to. 

Later, when we returned to the top, we spoke to a ranger who told us there hadn’t been any volunteers in the canyon since 1948. My bones went as ice-cold as the Colorado River. Pretty eerie, right?!

Okay, another bad joke that no one’s laughing at. The volunteer did really exist. But, honestly, that’s how old he was. 

Look at the other asshole we met on the trail: 

And, for a bonus, here’s another pic of Pug-A-Boo. 

Night Under The Stars

Maggie OwensComment
Squad blowing' up in Joshua Tree. Literally. We had to blow up the newest member of our squad, Flamingo. He was soon after pierced and deflated by the teddybear cactus. RIP homie. 

Squad blowing' up in Joshua Tree. Literally. We had to blow up the newest member of our squad, Flamingo. He was soon after pierced and deflated by the teddybear cactus. RIP homie. 

... So we kind of signed up for a night of camping in Joshua Tree knowing we had a 10 person tent and no instructions on how to assemble it. 

(We actually went tent shopping a couple weeks before this trip and decided an eight-person tent would be our MAX but then we got this 10 person one for free so we decided just to roll with it). Turns out setting up a 16 foot tent with absolutely no guidance at all IS NOT as intuitive as it sounds. 

This meant we had essentially signed up for a night of camping in Joshua Tree with NO tent. Some call it "sleeping under the stars." We thought of it more like "lying in the open desert trying for hours to google which kind of spiders kill you but not really having any reception." 

It was an emotional night. Ceil cried into her veggie tamales. A lizard mounted Maggie, not in a sexual way, but kind of in a dominant prison way all the same. We survived. 

Joshua Tree

Color 31Maggie OwensComment
This bastard gives teddy bears a bad name. 

This bastard gives teddy bears a bad name. 

We found color 31 in Joshua Tree! 

This is a Cholla cactus, also known as a "teddy bear" cactus because, from certain angles, it looks snuggly. When the desert light shines on its razor-sharp thorns, it appears to be this cutesy pastel green-yellow. It essentially BEGS for you to reach out, touch it and feel its sharp, painful wrath. It's like if Paddington had a prison shank. 

Pretty sneaky, cactus, but we're intelligent human beings. We're too evolved to fall for a dorky little cactus' game, right? 

Bear Attack! Bear Attack!   Bear Attack! Bear Attack!   Bear Attack! Bear Attack! Bear Attack! Bear Attack! Bear Attack! Bear Attack!   Bear Attack! Bear Attack! Bear Attack! Bear Attack! Bear Attack! Bear Attack!   Bear Attack! (Teddy)   Bear Attack! 

Bear Attack! Bear Attack! Bear Attack! Bear Attack! Bear Attack! Bear Attack! Bear Attack! Bear Attack! Bear Attack! Bear Attack! Bear Attack! Bear Attack! Bear Attack! Bear Attack! Bear Attack! Bear Attack! Bear Attack! (Teddy) Bear Attack! 

Wrong. Not only was Maggie's ankle attacked by these "snuggling" chollas, but this is the second time in her life that this has happened. The original attack occurred during a previous trip to Joshua Tree in 2011. (The park ranger was kind enough to remind her how "dumb it is" to try to grab a desert cactus). 

What can we say? Color 31 is really pretty and nature can be a real douchebag.