Seeking Color In The US


Here's To Your Health

Color 28Maggie OwensComment

Even though we didn't "technically" bring a tent or "technically" pack any clothing for extreme weather (such as mild rain) or "technically" learn how to drive or "technically" ever find out where "Arkansas" is,  we did prioritize one thing: sandwiches. We studied sandwiches by each state well before we left for this trip. 

Arizona's signature sandwich isn't "technically" as sandwich at all. It's a mutha-fucking ASS WOOPING BOOTY-POPPING PILL POPPING QUESTION-POPPING PRINGLES-POPPIN MARY-POPPIN hot POPPIN DOG. 

... I'm sorry. We are writing this very late at night. You "technically" shouldn't be reading this for your health. 

Anyway, it's the Sonoran hot dog. We searched for hours in the desert for this mythical hot dog. Technically, it would've been easiest to find in Tucson but we weren't "technically" talking to one another when were there. So, with mere hours before we reached the New Mexico border, we had to find this jaw-dropping popcorn-chicken-poppin hot dog. 

Here are the ingredients: 

We would show you a picture of the Sonoran Hot Dog we found. It was truly delicious. But... we were starved when we finally find it in the town of Eloy, AZ so before we could take a photo of it, we had already eaten it. Plus, tensions were still high. We won't "technically" get into the "technicalities" of our fight but it can be summarized by saying Ceil is more than "technically" a bitch. 

We did however take a picture of an awesome sign we saw in Eloy.

here's to your heatlh3.jpg

I didn't expect to cheers to my health with a hot dog wrapped in bacon and drenched with refried beans. But, then again, we also didn't expect to ever speak to each other ever again. So, thanks, Arizona. Here's to your health!


Hot Dog Scott

Maggie OwensComment

Name: Scott

Hometown: Benson, Arizona. 

Occupation: Owner of Wild Dogs Hot Dog Stand / Arizona hot dog enthusiast. 

Ron's Story: Used to be a So-Cal hot-shot. He lived on Mulholland Drive next to Sharon frickin' Stone. SHARON FRICKIN' STONE, GUYS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I'm talking the chick from Catwoman (featuring Halle Barry). MEOW! Anyway, Scott then moved to a fine country home (MEOW!) in Auburn, California. Finally, in his words, he "left it all and finally got the chance to open his hot dog stand in Benson, Arizona" just like he always dreamed. 

Favorite Color: It used to be blue until he opened the hot dog stand. Now, it's red and white, the representative colors of Wild Dogs. Meow! 

Crystal Vortex Allyn

Maggie OwensComment

Name: Allyn

Occupation: Works at the Sedona Crystal Vortex, a metaphysical store in Sedona, Arizona. The shop specializes in rocks, minerals, aura photography, psychic readings, lifestyle and more rocks and minerals. 

Favorite Color: Pretty much all cool colors: greens, blues and purples. Today she was wearing green because she wanted to correlate with her heart chakra (which is represented by green). 

Philosophy On Color: Everyday she makes the active choice about what color(s) she wears / puts on her body according to what chakra(s) she would like to activate. She says people make these daily decisions unconsciously, pointing out that we were both wearing blue and that that meant we wished to express ourselves (conjuring the throat chakra). She also pointed out a man driving a bright yellow Jag down the streets of Sedona, saying he wished to conjure his Solar Plexus / third chakra. This meant he was trying to rev his self-esteem. (If you think about it, this makes sense. He probably had no self-esteem. Please refer to our future blog post about mid-life crises. If we still haven't written it, please refer to our future blog post about procrastination). 

On Canines and Color-Crystals: Allyn has two dogs who also benefit from aligning their chakras with crystals and colors. Her long-hair chihuahua uses crystals for his soft skull. She says she can see the benefits already and her veterinarian gives her two thumbs up. Her older dog suffered from low self-esteem when the chihuahua moved in. The chihuahua apparently was the hot new piece around town (probably seen cruising Sedona in a yellow Jag). Crystals quickly boosted the old dog's self-esteem. There's always room for two in a yellow Jag. 

(As always, please check out our Interviews page for all of our profiles of the colorful people we meet on the road). 

AURAn't You Glad You Paid $60 Dollars For That Photo?

Maggie OwensComment

You probably know Sedona, Arizona for one of two things: 

1. It acts as the backdrop for cowboy movies and barbaric Looney Tune chase/murder scenes. 

2. It's a new-age retreat where you go to get your fortune told, purchase some much-needed magic crystals and get your chakras balanced.

So this is a place where middle-aged women come to reconnect to their 60's hippie days after selling out in the 80's and 90's. It's also where the Roadrunner reconnects with his inner-asshole and outsmarts a god damn coyote every day. It's a strange place. 

Anyway, we decided to go with the second route and get our auras photographed. Aura photography is a special kind of photography that captures the current state of your emotions, thoughts and energies. It can help you discover what you have going for you spiritually and what you have to work on. It's also another way to compare yourself to Gwyneth Paltrow. Here's Gwynth's aura photograph:  

Gwyneth Paltrow's aura photograph, as is described on her lifestyle blog Goop, is mostly violet expect for the perfect, radiant yellow halo above her head. She describes this further, saying "So in color psychology, yellow is fashioned after the sun-it’s easy-going, expensive, creative and it also indicates intelligence. People say, ‘Oh, they’re so bright." 

... So pretty much, Gwyneth's aura photograph proves she's perfect

Our 10 page individual aura analysis indicated that we are perhaps, not perfect.

Ceil's photograph revealed she has a yellow aura. 

Maggie's photograph showed she has a yellow-orange aura. 

Ceil's yellow aura shows her to be "lazy and unmotivated, having no energy to live, create or enjoy life." After seeing Gwyneth Paltrow's immaculate aura (🙏🏻), we decided to consult her lifestyle blog in order to find guidance and become more balanced, Goop-like beings. We concluded that Ceil is in desperate need for GP's personal Brain-Activing Adaptogenic Drink. 

Find the link here:  Or kill yourself.  🔫

Find the link here:

Or kill yourself. 🔫

With just a few simple ingredients, including Mucuna Pruriens and Brain Dust (not a joke), Ceil can be on her way to a motivated and active lifestyle.  Thanks, GP.  

Maggie's orange-yellow aura shows her to be challenged "to go new ways, to accept new ideas or patterns or to encounter the unexpected." Consulting Gwyneth and Goop, we found a section entirely for expanding your horizons in the form of bucket lists. The most helpful and realistic would indisputably be 10 Bucket-List Italian Hotels. 

Yes, that means if you're in a rut like Maggie, you should simply check into somewhere like the Capri Palace Hotel and Spa. Really, there's no excuse for someone to be stuck when a place like this exists:

" The food is delicious (the on-site restaurant has two Michelin stars), the spa is fantastic, and you can walk down the hill to get sandals handmade in Capri at the city’s best shoemaker."    -GP

"The food is delicious (the on-site restaurant has two Michelin stars), the spa is fantastic, and you can walk down the hill to get sandals handmade in Capri at the city’s best shoemaker."


Or you can stay in a Lighthouse in Sardinia. Or an 11th Century castle on the Amalfi Coast. Just get off your ass, you stubborn Orange-Yellow assholes!

Here's a guide of all aura colors; 

Where do you fit in? How are you imperfect compared to Goddess Gwyneth?

Also, Bonus Goop article, where to get your vagina steamed, according to Gwyn. Find it here. (We're looking at you, violet-aura douchebags with your "universal flow!") 






Grand Canyon Ron

Maggie OwensComment

Hometown: Citizen of the world / originally from San Diego. 

Occupation: Citizen of the world / bartender at the Grand Canyon. 

Favorite Color: Used to be red because of the Corvette he had as a wild young teen. He totaled that car about three times. His favorite no longer is red. His favorite color is now Xanterra green. He says it's because of the great out-doors but we know it's really because it's the shirt he wears to work / is legally obligated to wear because of his employer Xanterra. Xanterra owns all of the hotels, bars, gift shops and humans inside of every US National Park. I have to stop writing about Xanterra now because I know too much and they'll come after me. 

Life Philosophy: He says every young person should work in resorts and national parks and never settle down. He hopes to see us working behind a bar in Sun Valley or the Grand Tetons in a couple of years. He also said no person, young or old, should ever go to El Paso. We haven't yet been employed by Sun Valley but we did go to El Paso almost immediately after this conversation. Sorry Ron. Sorry Xanterra. 

Fun Fact: Ron was once in the military and was stationed in Germany (specifically the Rhineland). He remembers fondly how easily the Germans would outdrink him and leave him passed out in various fields. He's not an army man any more but now instead fights exclusively in the frontline of the Xanterra New World Order. Please burn after reading.

In this photo, Ron is holding a bottle of wine from Grand Canyon Wineries. The vineyards are not actually in the Grand Canyon (that would be a stupid thing to ask, right? Really? Shut up). They're not in Arizona at all. They're in California. I smell a Xanterra plot fermenting...

In this photo, Ron is holding a bottle of wine from Grand Canyon Wineries. The vineyards are not actually in the Grand Canyon (that would be a stupid thing to ask, right? Really? Shut up). They're not in Arizona at all. They're in California. I smell a Xanterra plot fermenting...

Grand Canyon

Color 6, Color 49, Color 14, Color 10, Color 9Maggie OwensComment

So we took Pug-A-Boo to the cutest dog park in Arizona. The locals call it the grand canyon (probably because it’s such a grand place to walk your balloon pug!). 

It’s a weird feeling when you’re writing a blog but you still can hear no one laughing at your own jokes. Fine, douchebags, it’s the Grand Canyon and, while we’re on the subject, pets technically aren’t allowed. (But we brought Pug-A-Boo anyway).

This place is friction’ crazy. People should really talk about it. 

Well, at least Jorbi P. is talking about it. 

Well, at least Jorbi P. is talking about it. 

Anyways, as you can imagine, the colors here are bonkers. Ceil would like to note that “they rock.” Get it, because of the rocks? Maggie would like to note that she’s going to effing kill herself. Get it, because of the rock joke Ceil made? 

With so many different layers deep within the canyon, and so many different shadows depending on the time of day, there’s no real limit to the colors you’ll find here.

The most striking, and famous, is a level called the Redwall Limestone. It’s what gives the grand canyon its notorious orange-red color because of the iron-oxide in the sediment. Iron is behind a lot of things that are famous for being red. 

PS: if god poops in the grand canyon, do we call it the Iron Throne? Let’s move on. 

PS: if god poops in the grand canyon, do we call it the Iron Throne? Let’s move on. 

We actually hiked pretty far down into the canyon. We wanted to see the color gradation for ourselves. We got pretty far and it was spectacular. BUT THEN an old, old man (think Jafar’s disguise in the beginning of Aladdin) who “volunteers” for the park told us we had “probably gone too far and it was too late in the day and we better turn around.” No joke, guys, it was like 2:30 in the afternoon. This guy was batshit. But he got into our heads and we turned around before we had planned to. 

Later, when we returned to the top, we spoke to a ranger who told us there hadn’t been any volunteers in the canyon since 1948. My bones went as ice-cold as the Colorado River. Pretty eerie, right?!

Okay, another bad joke that no one’s laughing at. The volunteer did really exist. But, honestly, that’s how old he was. 

Look at the other asshole we met on the trail: 

And, for a bonus, here’s another pic of Pug-A-Boo.