PANTOMERICA

Seeking Color In The US

Crème De La Gwyn

Maggie OwensComment

When camping in West Virignia, on a night so dark you can't see your hand in front of your face, fuck ghost stories — tell Goop stories. The three of us decided to collaborate on an collection of work, investigating one of Hollywood's most divisive starlets, Ms. Gwenyth Paltrow. 

Here's what we came up with — the Crème De La Gwyn, if you will:

1. People think Gwenyth is "high-maintenance," but this couldn't be farther from the truth. Look how casual she is with messy hair:

2. She may not be high maintenance, but if you don't remember who won Best Actress in 1998, she'll fucking cut you with a set of Sur La Table knives: 

3. Is there anything more on brand than a portrait of Gwenyth captured on a Whole Foods napkin? 

4. Also, the motto "Goop in the Street, Poop in the Sheets" is absolutely one to live by. 

5. "What's in the box???" a forlorn Brad Pitt asked at the end of Se7en. Gwenyth Paltrow isn't afraid of shit, so she's not afraid to show you:

6. Though, let's not fixate too much on what's in the box. Take a moment to think outside the box (a.k.a Gwyn's hot bod):

7. Somehow, Gwyn is an ex-pat and incredibly "country strong," all at once. How does she do it?

8. Look beyond America and the U.K. Gwyn is an international superstar. Check out this Japanese DVD cover from her 2003 hit "View from the Top": 

9. Think just because Goop has articles on finding the right Italian villa or making a fruit tart, that Gwyneth's soft? Check out her hard-as-nails squad, featuring daughter Apple Martin and delicious drink Apple Martinelli's. 

Gwenyth's poem: 

Think Gwenyth's tame like a Coldplay song?
Because she's Chris Martin's whore?
Well, this bitch ain't yellow, 
she'll make you're life hell, oh
you'll "viva la vida" no more. 

 

Apple Martin's poem:

An apple a day keeps the doctor away
-or at least that's what they say-
but don't go startin'
beef with Ms. Martin
or a doctor will be too little too late.

 

Apple Martinelli's poem:

What? You're not afraid of Martinelli's?
Because it's soda? Because it's pop?
Well, when the gas it sends
comes out from both ends, 
we'll see who comes out on top!