So, as you guys know, we spent not one but TWO FULL DAYS at AnthroCon and we learned that furry conventions are pretty much just like high school. There's just as much sweating (those animal suits are hot!) and there's probably a lot more petting (furries are hot hot hot).
All good things end with a party, e.g the movie Footloose, turning 15 if you're Latina, your life (though I guess you're not technically invited to your own wake). And high school — high school ends with prom. So like any decent 26 year-old teenagers would do, we treated the big dance party at the end of Anthrocon like prom.
So here are some tips for all you teenagers out there on how to survive prom, straight to you from some almost-30-somethings who went to a fucking furry convention once. This won't be weird at all, we promise.
1. Get Ready To Flirt
Remember, your eyes are the window to your soul. If you can't pull off a coquettish batting of the eye like this furry, how will anyone ever know just how slutty your soul is to the core?
2. Practice Your Dance Moves Beforehand
Dancing is hugely important at prom. Because teenagers are famously comfortable with their bodies, it's super important that you can dance as well as a professional. Remember: everyone is going to be watching your every move because you matter the most.
To prepare, maybe try watching music videos at home and practicing the moves you see in your room. Or, spice it up and hire a dance coach 4 nights a week. Or maybe even drop out of school to practice full-time. Do what you gotta do! Just remember — have fun with it, too :)
An important element of dance is coming off as a natural. It should never look like you practiced your dance moves or spent any time giving a shit at all. Look how casual this unicorn is about its stellar "show off my guns" dance move. Casual, but classic.
How do you give off that nonchalant vibe while dancing? It always helps to scream things like "I've never practiced this before!" or "Wow! Who knew I could do that?" Make sure to speak loudly and enunciate because often at prom, the music is obnoxiously louder than you.
For a dramatic flair, take a page from Footloose's book and scream "I wasn't even allowed to dance in my hometown because some kids drove off the road and our pastor went apeshit!" If anyone from your hometown hears you and challenges this story, pretend you can't hear them over the shitty prom music and go find a new area to dance.
3. Always Steal The Spotlight... Or Else.
As any feminist or person with social skills knows, it's unacceptable to let anyone else get more attention than you at a party, even if it's "their birthday" or "you weren't technically invited." If they can't upstage you back, they have no room to complain.
It's your party and you'll cry if you want to, right? Or go through with a fake pregnancy scare if you have to, right? If you're flying under the radar for even a second, throw a glass of punch in your date's face or jump from one moving car to another one just like Lori Singer did in Footloose.
Pro-tip: call the venue ahead of time and find out who's in charge of the lighting. Use the flirting techniques you learned in Lesson #1 to make sure the spotlight ALWAYS finds you before you have to find it.
4. Wallflower? More Like Wall Power.
"Confidence-encouraging" teen magazines and guidance counselors alike will try to convince you to "put yourself out there." They'll tell you not hang around the sidelines, giving in to what to certain therapists call "crippling social anxiety, Maggie. Maggie stop covering your ears. Maggie, I know you can hear me."
But the thing about teen magazine editors, guidance counselors and rude-ass Dr. Nicholson is... they're not young teenagers like we are. They don't know how cool it is to just hang around and make fun of other people for giving a crap or having fun. People who have fun in public think they're so awesome but like... look how awesome you look when you're sitting with your arms crossed.
Remember: no matter what the situation is, if someone is standing and you're sitting, they're trying harder than you. And that's pathetic. It's a wonder man even evolved to stand upright in the first place. Like what a loser try-hard.
5. Remember to believe in true love
This one is self-explanatory.