Seeking Color In The US

AURAn't You Glad You Paid $60 Dollars For That Photo?

Maggie OwensComment

You probably know Sedona, Arizona for one of two things: 

1. It acts as the backdrop for cowboy movies and barbaric Looney Tune chase/murder scenes. 

2. It's a new-age retreat where you go to get your fortune told, purchase some much-needed magic crystals and get your chakras balanced.

So this is a place where middle-aged women come to reconnect to their 60's hippie days after selling out in the 80's and 90's. It's also where the Roadrunner reconnects with his inner-asshole and outsmarts a god damn coyote every day. It's a strange place. 

Anyway, we decided to go with the second route and get our auras photographed. Aura photography is a special kind of photography that captures the current state of your emotions, thoughts and energies. It can help you discover what you have going for you spiritually and what you have to work on. It's also another way to compare yourself to Gwyneth Paltrow. Here's Gwynth's aura photograph:  

Gwyneth Paltrow's aura photograph, as is described on her lifestyle blog Goop, is mostly violet expect for the perfect, radiant yellow halo above her head. She describes this further, saying "So in color psychology, yellow is fashioned after the sun-it’s easy-going, expensive, creative and it also indicates intelligence. People say, ‘Oh, they’re so bright." 

... So pretty much, Gwyneth's aura photograph proves she's perfect

Our 10 page individual aura analysis indicated that we are perhaps, not perfect.

Ceil's photograph revealed she has a yellow aura. 

Maggie's photograph showed she has a yellow-orange aura. 

Ceil's yellow aura shows her to be "lazy and unmotivated, having no energy to live, create or enjoy life." After seeing Gwyneth Paltrow's immaculate aura (🙏🏻), we decided to consult her lifestyle blog in order to find guidance and become more balanced, Goop-like beings. We concluded that Ceil is in desperate need for GP's personal Brain-Activing Adaptogenic Drink. 

 Find the link here:  Or kill yourself.  🔫

Find the link here:

Or kill yourself. 🔫

With just a few simple ingredients, including Mucuna Pruriens and Brain Dust (not a joke), Ceil can be on her way to a motivated and active lifestyle.  Thanks, GP.  

Maggie's orange-yellow aura shows her to be challenged "to go new ways, to accept new ideas or patterns or to encounter the unexpected." Consulting Gwyneth and Goop, we found a section entirely for expanding your horizons in the form of bucket lists. The most helpful and realistic would indisputably be 10 Bucket-List Italian Hotels. 

Yes, that means if you're in a rut like Maggie, you should simply check into somewhere like the Capri Palace Hotel and Spa. Really, there's no excuse for someone to be stuck when a place like this exists:

 " The food is delicious (the on-site restaurant has two Michelin stars), the spa is fantastic, and you can walk down the hill to get sandals handmade in Capri at the city’s best shoemaker."    -GP

"The food is delicious (the on-site restaurant has two Michelin stars), the spa is fantastic, and you can walk down the hill to get sandals handmade in Capri at the city’s best shoemaker."


Or you can stay in a Lighthouse in Sardinia. Or an 11th Century castle on the Amalfi Coast. Just get off your ass, you stubborn Orange-Yellow assholes!

Here's a guide of all aura colors; 

Where do you fit in? How are you imperfect compared to Goddess Gwyneth?

Also, Bonus Goop article, where to get your vagina steamed, according to Gwyn. Find it here. (We're looking at you, violet-aura douchebags with your "universal flow!")