We parked our car across the street from Cousin Kelly's house in Buffalo, New York. On the way to lunch, we avoided him at all costs. Top be completely honest, he was wearing a wife beater and a fedora and that was enough reason at the time. On the way back to the car we miraculously managed to see through the fedora and saw the 20 foot totem pole he was creating in his front yard.
Profession: Artist/Totem Pole Carver
Race: Algonquin with "white man blood" (Just an FYI for our readers — we seriously, seriously didn't ask him about this).
Favorite Color: Rainbow. He rediscovered his love of the spectrum when he started working on his totems.
Work With Totem Poles: He's been carving them for years. In fact, he even wrote his Graduate thesis on proving that totems are memorials to Lemurian ancestors from the lost continent of Lemuria.
For those who don't know, Lemuria is a fabled lost continent that disappeared from the Pacific Ocean, and is rumored to be the origin of all mankind. Lemuria thrived about 14,000 years ago. This was about the time that Atlantis thrived as well. It is rumored that some Lemurians survived The Great Flood by moving underground. They now take residence on Mount Shasta in California.
According to Cousin Kelly, Lemurians were ancestors to Native American people and they were saved after The Great Flood by "Sasquatch". Wanna know how he proved all of this? Read his goddamn dissertation. This is our blog, not his.
More about Sasquatch: One time, Cousin Kelly set eyes on Big Foot/Sasquatch when he was camping with his Irish Setter in Canada on a trip hunting Lemurians. Big Foot didn't harm his dog, or Cousin Kelly for that matter, because the Sasquatch and the Irish Setter were kindred spirits. Cousin Kelly also couldn't tell whose eyes were whose in the darkness of the night.
More about dogs: One time, Hugh Laurie of "House, M.D." fame, tried to see Cousin Kelly's trick dog to Jodie Foster. If you're confused by this story, sorry to say that we have no additional information to offer you because Cousin Kelly swiftly moved on to the next topic. The next topic was Jodie Foster.
More about Jodie Foster: Jodie Foster and Cousin Kelly are best friends. Jodie always says that he reminds her of Robert "Bobby" De Niro from her first movie, Taxi Driver. If you don't know who Robert De Niro is, he was the guy driving the taxi in that Jodie Foster movie. Cousin Kelly and Jodie Foster love to "roll doobies" at Grace Slick's house on Fulton street in San Francisco. They really are the best of friends.